Wow. What Big Blue Balls You Have.

“Those blue balls are really great. I almost want to eat them.”

Yes. That’s what she said. Before I go any further, I just want to say this post isn’t perverted. It’s just me. And I couldn’t help but whet your appetite with that.

The other day, there was a huge jewelry event in the Northern Virginia area, right outside of Washington, D.C. Some of you are not aware of this, but in a few weeks, I am launching a company called Simply Om™. I am working at night and on weekends and in the middle of the night. Oh and early mornings. Because I also have a full time job and kids and have to shower now and then.

So what if I’m tired though? I’m excited.

So I dragged my sorry ass to the Dulles Expo Center. Our au pair, Heather came with us. In case you don’t know, she talks to dead people. Despite that, I wanted her opinion on some of the wholesale materials I was buying.

I was standing at a stall that specialized in beautiful and rare semi-precious gemstones. A woman walked over with her terribly bored husband, and pointed to a set of beautiful beads in front of me.

Now, you know how people say, don’t go to the grocery store when you are hungry? I would also say you shouldn’t go to a gem store when you haven’t had sex in a long time.

It makes you say dumb shit.

“Honey, look at these!” the woman walked over and pointed to a beautiful strand of large, opaque blue beads. As with anything, I always look to see what other people are buying because I might have missed something when I walk by without picking something up. In this case, I realized that the gems in question weren’t really for my line. Something about them. Too … big, maybe?

“I love these gorgeous blue balls!” she exclaimed, almost caressing the stones. Her husband had his hands in his pockets and was more interested in the sales woman’s cleavage it appeared, than any sort of balls.

“Yeah, yup,” he nodded along.

“Look at how big these are!” she called over to a friend. “Have you seen these big blue balls?!” A few other people looked over too, mainly at the husband, probably thinking the same thing as me, before realizing she was literally talking about big blue balls and not her husband’s equipment.

See? I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

I looked over at Heather and tried not to laugh, but probably let out a little chuckle. The woman still had no clue, however.

“Gosh, they just look like candy. Don’t you just want to eat them?” she asked her husband.

“Eat what?” He looked over at her, obviously in la la land.

“The big blue balls, silly!”

I felt like this was a really inappropriate Saturday Night Live skit and I was on Candid, Camera or something.

Her friend walked over. She gasped at the beads in her friend’s hands, as if to marvel at their big, luscious beauty.

“I know, right?” the woman asked her friend. “Don’t you just want to eat them?” They then proceeded to talk about how tasty the big blue balls looked.

I couldn’t help myself. I walked over.

“What beautiful balls you have,” I said to the woman holding the beads. Her friend nodded in agreement.

“So let me just get this straight,” I said. “You like those big blue balls?”

She nodded.

“No, seriously. You like those big, BLUEBALLS. So much that you want to eat them?”

At this point, the husband checked back in and started to laugh. The lady still didn’t get it though.

“They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?” she asked.

“Definitely,” I said. I had a huge smile on my face and was struggling not to laugh but apparently not everybody thinks like me, because nobody was struggling quite as hard as I was.

I should have bought those blue balls, but alas, I didn’t. Ah well. Another day, another time. I am sure I can find some blue balls somewhere around here.

“Hey, John!?” I yelled out.

“What?” he asked, from upstairs.

“Have you seen any big blue balls around here?” I asked.

Silence.

Yeah, I don’t think he appreciates my sense of humor either.

I can’t help it! I have too many balls in the air.

Ok. I’ll stop now.

XO.

Kiran

 

Smaller ballers.








16 Comments on Wow. What Big Blue Balls You Have.

  1. Peg
    February 21, 2013 at 1:29 pm (2 years ago)

    This one needs to be shared with my husband…seriously one of your funniest.

    Reply
  2. Lawyer Loves Lunch
    February 21, 2013 at 2:56 pm (2 years ago)

    I can’t help but feel bad for the poor husband :) Ooh also, canNOT wait to see your new line. I hope you have a fantastic launch planned!

    Reply
  3. AJ Collins
    February 21, 2013 at 8:05 pm (2 years ago)

    haha! I think the same way as you… but I wouldn’t have been able to go over and participate in the conversation without laughing out-right. Funny stuff!
    I can’t wait to hear more about your new enterprise… I assume you are making jewelry?
    AJ Collins recently posted…The Slow Fade… The Warning SignsMy Profile

    Reply
  4. Alison
    Twitter:
    February 21, 2013 at 8:10 pm (2 years ago)

    *SNORT*
    I happen to love blue balls.
    Er, I mean, blue jewelry.
    Alison recently posted…Saying NoMy Profile

    Reply
  5. Poppy
    Twitter:
    February 22, 2013 at 12:27 pm (2 years ago)

    Too Funny and congrats on the new jewelry line! I prefer to keep my blue balls in my handbag, not on my wrist :)

    Reply
  6. LisaAR
    Twitter:
    February 22, 2013 at 1:19 pm (2 years ago)

    Reminiscent of Schweddy balls…nice.

    Good luck on your jewelry line, you busy bee!
    LisaAR recently posted…Mean People SuckMy Profile

    Reply
  7. MomWithaDot
    February 23, 2013 at 12:09 am (2 years ago)

    My jaw just dropped!! Totally In awe of your personality :) :) Its amazing the number of things you super efficiently juggle (balls? LOL!) and manage. Aaaand…..cheeky enuf to walk up to this woman and pull off a practical joke – Girl! I sooooooo wish we lived closer.

    Loadsa Good luck for SimplyOM <3 <3
    MomWithaDot recently posted…Think about it….My Profile

    Reply
  8. ilene
    Twitter:
    February 23, 2013 at 1:13 pm (2 years ago)

    I am a huge fan of big blue balls humor! I can’t wait to see more of your jewelry!
    ilene recently posted…Finding InfinityMy Profile

    Reply
  9. Lisa
    Twitter:
    March 3, 2013 at 10:49 am (2 years ago)

    So tell us more about “Simply Om” – I am assuming you won’t be selling sex toys??
    Seriously. Want to hear more about your new endeavor :)
    Lisa recently posted…Zen and The Mama BearMy Profile

    Reply
  10. Alma
    March 4, 2013 at 11:40 pm (2 years ago)

    I would not be able to contain my cackle… any time I see blue balls now I will say to myself
    ” those are great blue balls I could eat them …and cackle on the inside ;)
    Alma recently posted…New items and a Knitting Book GiveawayMy Profile

    Reply
  11. Snehal Naik
    March 14, 2013 at 1:38 am (2 years ago)

    Oh My Gosh! Kiran, this was hilarious! Sometimes we find these weird kinda random people whom we really want to go and tease! I enjoyed reading this post; it reminded me of the times when I am in a public place with my husband and laughing at such enlightened conversations….My husband, of course, drags me away from the scene to avoid embarrassment. LOL!

    Reply

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