“Those blue balls are really great. I almost want to eat them.”

Yes. That’s what she said. Before I go any further, I just want to say this post isn’t perverted. It’s just me. And I couldn’t help but whet your appetite with that.

The other day, there was a huge jewelry event in the Northern Virginia area, right outside of Washington, D.C. Some of you are not aware of this, but in a few weeks, I am launching a company called Simply Om™. I am working at night and on weekends and in the middle of the night. Oh and early mornings. Because I also have a full time job and kids and have to shower now and then.

So what if I’m tired though? I’m excited.

So I dragged my sorry ass to the Dulles Expo Center. Our au pair, Heather came with us. In case you don’t know, she talks to dead people. Despite that, I wanted her opinion on some of the wholesale materials I was buying.

I was standing at a stall that specialized in beautiful and rare semi-precious gemstones. A woman walked over with her terribly bored husband, and pointed to a set of beautiful beads in front of me.

Now, you know how people say, don’t go to the grocery store when you are hungry? I would also say you shouldn’t go to a gem store when you haven’t had sex in a long time.

It makes you say dumb shit.

“Honey, look at these!” the woman walked over and pointed to a beautiful strand of large, opaque blue beads. As with anything, I always look to see what other people are buying because I might have missed something when I walk by without picking something up. In this case, I realized that the gems in question weren’t really for my line. Something about them. Too … big, maybe?

“I love these gorgeous blue balls!” she exclaimed, almost caressing the stones. Her husband had his hands in his pockets and was more interested in the sales woman’s cleavage it appeared, than any sort of balls.

“Yeah, yup,” he nodded along.

“Look at how big these are!” she called over to a friend. “Have you seen these big blue balls?!” A few other people looked over too, mainly at the husband, probably thinking the same thing as me, before realizing she was literally talking about big blue balls and not her husband’s equipment.

See? I’m not the only one who thinks that way.

I looked over at Heather and tried not to laugh, but probably let out a little chuckle. The woman still had no clue, however.

“Gosh, they just look like candy. Don’t you just want to eat them?” she asked her husband.

“Eat what?” He looked over at her, obviously in la la land.

“The big blue balls, silly!”

I felt like this was a really inappropriate Saturday Night Live skit and I was on Candid, Camera or something.

Her friend walked over. She gasped at the beads in her friend’s hands, as if to marvel at their big, luscious beauty.

“I know, right?” the woman asked her friend. “Don’t you just want to eat them?” They then proceeded to talk about how tasty the big blue balls looked.

I couldn’t help myself. I walked over.

“What beautiful balls you have,” I said to the woman holding the beads. Her friend nodded in agreement.

“So let me just get this straight,” I said. “You like those big blue balls?”

She nodded.

“No, seriously. You like those big, BLUEBALLS. So much that you want to eat them?”

At this point, the husband checked back in and started to laugh. The lady still didn’t get it though.

“They’re gorgeous, aren’t they?” she asked.

“Definitely,” I said. I had a huge smile on my face and was struggling not to laugh but apparently not everybody thinks like me, because nobody was struggling quite as hard as I was.

I should have bought those blue balls, but alas, I didn’t. Ah well. Another day, another time. I am sure I can find some blue balls somewhere around here.

“Hey, John!?” I yelled out.

“What?” he asked, from upstairs.

“Have you seen any big blue balls around here?” I asked.

Silence.

Yeah, I don’t think he appreciates my sense of humor either.

I can’t help it! I have too many balls in the air.

Ok. I’ll stop now.

XO.

Kiran

Smaller ballers.