Today’s Post Brought to You by the Letter S

Happy New Year, everybody! In Hindi we say, “Naya Saal, Mubarakh!”

Translated to English it literally means, “May your cows prosper in the New Year!”

Really?

No.

It just means, “Happy New Year.”

I just wanted to say thank you to anybody who has been reading Masala Chica or has just started reading. Heck, today could be your first visit here. In which case, let me be the first to say, “Congratulations!”

Just kidding. A little bit.

So, things have been really tough around here. I have been struggling with a lot of things and it’s been a troubled time at the Masala Chica household. A few not so pleasant discoveries that hit me this holiday:

1) Any more than 12 jelly bean flavors is wasteful and bad for the environment. As I sat in my office one day, lamenting the pounds I had gained over the holiday and wondering where they came from while absentmindedly chewing on a jarful of Jelly Belly beans, I realized that we have become really spoiled as a society. Why do we have to have margarita flavored jelly beans or confections that taste like buttered popcorn? Is that what God intended for us when he gave us buttered popcorn? For it to be wrapped in a gelatinous, egg shaped bean so we could gag on it and just wish instead that we had looked close enough and realized we were not reaching for lemon or even coconut, goddamnit.

I often question God. And the Constitution. Sean Hannity too.

But let there be no mistake. This is unnatural.

All you need is this: cherry, grape, blueberry, lemon, watermelon, strawberry, pineapple, pina colada (yes, I know, I know), apple, orange, lime, raspberry and maybe, just maybe pomegranate.

Anything else is just unnecessary and also socially irresponsible. If you say you like buttered popcorn Jelly Bellys, we also can’t be friends anymore.

Photo – Shutterstock
Not necessary. Pare down.

2) My daughter is growing up faster than I am ready for. At 5, let’s just say that Shaila is all about “discovering herself.” I will leave it at that. There are lots of questions which involve the words, “front hiny,” (sorry, that was the best we can come up with), “penis,” and “Shaila, can you please stop doing that? Especially at the dinner table?” John and I are struggling with teaching her what’s appropriate while at the same time not creating any hangups for her so that she does not end up in years of therapy talking about how we made sex a “dirty” or “shameful” thing. Don’t get me wrong.

She most likely will be in therapy, but let it be for other things we have done wrong. Not that.

So, as I look at this beautiful girl growing in front of me in leaps and bounds, I am realizing how quickly time is going by. And sometimes it just scares me how fast it is all going.

Are Carter’s better for your butt? Or Osh Kosh B’Gosh?

The other night, as our family was sitting in the kitchen preparing dinner, Shaila sat at the kitchen table practicing her writing. Suddenly, she looked up and asked in her MEGAPHONE VOICE, not her quiet voice, something that absolutely threw me for a curve.

“HOW DOES MY ASS LOOK?”

Silence. Everyone stopped in their tracks. Except for Nico because he was pretending to be Spider Man and was busy climbing up the Christmas tree. (Don’t worry, he didn’t fall. Well, not THEN anyway).

Ok. The day your five year old starts asking questions like this, it’s really time to evaluate your parenting. What are you exposing them to? What had John and I done to create this level of insecurity in our daughter? She should be talking about playing London Bridge and NOT if her Osh Kosh B’Gosh jeans make her ass look big.

The next ten years passed before my eyes quickly.

She’s going to be wanting to diet by age 7. She’s going to want to wear make-up by 8. She’ll be the girl who wears one thing to school and then changes into the hoochie outfit in the bathroom by 9. At ten, she’ll ask if we can put some kind of poison into her lips so they look like Angelina Jolie’s.  She will settle for some lip gloss that stings your lips into thinking they have been attacked by a swarm of bees. She will be the kind of girl who is on Team Angelina, not Team Jennifer. And that just breaks my heart.

I could feel myself panicking.

At 12, she will ask me for financial advice about whether she should start saving up for the boob job at 13, or to see if her dad and I already have it in our budget like her best friend’s parents do. Her best friends will be named something really porny sounding, like Misty Rivers. Or Ivana Wankalot. At 14, I will catch her making out with a 16 year old boy named Butch and she will tell me that Butch has been saving up for her to get not only the implants, but lipo as well. At 16, she will be like that scary looking girl from the show, “The Hills,” who had like 20 procedures done before she was 20 years old.

Oh. My. GOD.

What have I done?

I walked over to her to talk to her, to let her know I love her no matter what size her ass is, and that she is too young to be thinking about stuff like this. And that, worse comes to worse, I am sure that Carter’s might make a pant with more flattering cuts for her butt.

Which is when I leaned over and saw what she was doing. She was neatly writing out her letters. The last one she had done was the letter S.

S.

S for stupid.

S for scary.

S for shit.

And that’s when I realized she was talking about her letter “S.” NOT her ass.

Oh. OH.

“You’re “S” is fantastic,baby,” I said, kissing her on the head, feeling the relief wash over me. I wanted to tell her it was a bit too curvy at the bottom, but thought that might send the wrong message.

For now, her “S” is perfect.

And yes, she does have my “S.” For the record, it’s FANTASTIC.

3) I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. I will write more about this later. This year is the year where self-pity, self-important writing about how angst-ridden I am and other bullshit are out the window. Or, maybe just kept to a minimum. 2013 is the year to gain some perspective, change what I can control, take control of my dreams and put some pep back into what’s become a bit of a shuffle, not a step.

I will tell you more about this in my next post. Let’s just say it involves Les Mis, Ma and Papa, too much champagne, a Pinterest pin and chicken curry. I hope I haven’t given it away – I’m sure you can put the story together just with that little teaser.

May you all kick some ass in 2013.

Onward, friends.

Namaste,

Kiran

36 Responses to Today’s Post Brought to You by the Letter S

  • Exactly. Exactly what I was talking about. Perfect. I’m so glad I named you as one of my Hottest Bloggers in ’13. Because you so are.

    Also, I agree with you about everything you said about the Jelly Bellies.

    So probably, we cannot share Jelly Bellies. ;-)
    renée a. schuls-jacobson recently posted…Tingo Tuesday: Tell Me About A Krawattenmuffel MomentMy Profile

  • Naomi
    Twitter:
    says:

    So glad Renee named you her hot blogger … I’ll be able to say “I read her when …” (before you get all crazy famous because Renee outed you!)

    This post … your #2 … oh my word. I was reading along with fervor saying YES YES … because we have the same thing happening at our house with our 6 year old princess. Then the ending … bwah haha!

    But I do like the buttered popcorn jelly bellies … what does that mean?
    Naomi recently posted…Box 53bMy Profile

  • elyssa says:

    RASJ sent me. I think I love you.

  • dixya
    Twitter:
    says:

    I think we can still be friends because me no likey unnecessary flavors :)

    love the “s” story, god I bet as a mom all those thoughts would definitely pop into your head …but at the same time its surprises me when I see my cousins (11 and 6 yrs girls) grow up so fast and I feel that they are so much mature than I was at that age. Hope 2013 will be bigger and better for you (personally) and as a whole (familywise) and sometimes, you just have to take a step back, breathe and focus on self dear.
    dixya recently posted…Aloo Tama Bodi (bambooshoots with black eyed peas soup)My Profile

  • Doctor G
    Twitter:
    says:

    May have to explain to the people around me in Starbucks why I can’t stop laughing…

    Also, this morning my 4 yo was helping get dinner ready in the Crockpot. Except he called it the “crotchpot.” And asked if it was his turn to put the beef in.

  • I sooo related to your Letter S post – as I have two daughters – 4 and 8. I have these same flashes in mind – of them growing up as hoothchie mamas or “The Hills” girls. I totally get why my mom loaded up on valium when I was a teenager. Oh vey.

    Love your content!
    Clearly Kristal recently posted…#1 Fictional Friday Challenge: Her BillyMy Profile

  • Laura G. Kabel
    Twitter:
    says:

    The word is “clitoris”. Explain to your daughter that tickling her clitoris is human and understandable, but that like nose-picking, it is completely inappropriate in public. Explain that ticking herself is OK at bedtime, and you’ll find it becomes amazingly easy to convince her to go to bed.

  • Leigh Ann
    Twitter:
    says:

    Don’t worry. My twins (4.5) regularly tell their 2yo sister she has a juicy booty. I’m not gonna lie. They hers it from us.
    Leigh Ann recently posted…EmergeMy Profile

  • Jennifer says:

    Oh there are so many conclusions to be jumped to when you are a mother. I think my pat answer to everything is, “excuse me…” because I’m constantly needing clarification.
    Jennifer recently posted…Saying Good-bye to 2012My Profile

  • Greta says:

    Oh my stars alive, Kiran. This is perfection. How many times have I jolted out of semi-attention when my kids have said something like that? Holy cow.

    And also? You’re hilarious.
    Greta recently posted…2013: The Year of the Fun.My Profile

  • Angela says:

    I canNOT stop laughing. My S could use a little more curve on the bottom, come to think of it.

  • Doni says:

    Sadly, (since I’m in your “no-buttered-popcorn” flavor camp) — the buttered popcorn flavor is the most popular seller of all Jelly Belly flavors. Or at least that’s what they tell you on the factory tour. Could be so they can sell that nasty stuff to unsuspecting tourists.

  • MiMi says:

    We are really more alike than you might think…I’m the shorter, whiter, dumpier and not nearly as beautiful version of you. But we BOTH question Sean Hannity. That’s enough.

  • Nelson
    Twitter:
    says:

    This is fantastic! I’m so happy that I got pointed here. I look forward to continuing the adventure.
    Nelson recently posted…Happily married for 37 years…however, we’ve been married 42!My Profile

  • Shell says:

    Totally cracking up at the ass-S mistake!
    Shell recently posted…Pour Your Heart Out: Just JenniferMy Profile

  • Elaine A.
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh my gosh, so glad I’ve “met” you and YOUR blog. You crack me up! And so glad she was only asking about a letter and not the latter! ha!

  • Sig
    Twitter:
    says:

    ROFL. I’m with you with the jellybean flavours. Give me the white ones any day, then pink, then orange in that order.

    I have some vague memories about doing that as a kid but it was quickly shut down. And probably why I *should* be in therapy right now :P No idea how I am going to deal when this kid starts. Let’s just get him/her out shall we?
    Sig recently posted…Welcome 2013!My Profile

  • Kristen says:

    Is it wrong of me to want to see your fantastic S now? ;-) Lol!! You did give me a scare though with the thought of your daughter possibly being team Angelina when she grows up. I hadn’t thought of that. I need to be sure I raise my girls to know that they have to be team Jennifer! :-)
    Kristen recently posted…What I Want For ChristmasMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      One day, Kristen. One day. I hope it lives up to your standards. It’s not pear shaped.

      At all ;-).

      Just kidding. Everyone’s “s” has a weakness I think.
      Kiran

  • Alison
    Twitter:
    says:

    Is it very 12-year old boy of me to giggle at Ivana Wankalot?
    Oh, 12 year old boys really shouldn’t talk about wankalot.
    S/ Ass – hee!!
    Alison recently posted…ThreeMy Profile

  • alixjohn111 says:

    I am extremely impressed with your writing skills and also with the layout on your blog.real property attorneys
    Is this a paid theme or did you customize it yourself? Either way keep up the nice quality writing, it’s rare to see a nice blog like this one these days

  • Kim
    Twitter:
    says:

    As far as jelly beans go, I would be very happy only to have orange flavoured ones. And maybe cherry and grape. I think the jelly bean flavour options are just way out of control.

    I love the S mistake – I mishear things all the time – so very funny!
    Kim recently posted…Hobbit Captains, Not of Middle EarthMy Profile

  • Tricia says:

    That S story is totally in my future, I just know it. And I’m with ya on the jelly beans.
    Found you on SITS sharefest – love your blog!
    Tricia recently posted…Weekly Gratitude #55 – 3 wordsMy Profile

  • Carol Cook
    Twitter:
    says:

    Loved your latest blog; I can honestly say that I understand why you have those fears. I have granddaughters in the 13-15 year age group and it’s what this age is doing these days. When I look a the 13 year old, I always breathe a sigh of relief when I realize that her friends are not the puffed lipped, thonged, overhyped girls that I thought they were. Her sister; well, that’s something else; and as a grandparent, there is nothing I can do about it. I always dig up memories of my own youth since I, too, had a megaphone voice that embarrassed my European style parents more than once. i.e., announcing the discovery of hair in various places that sent my mother crawling under the table. So, I try to take it all in prospective. You sound like you’re doing a great job; I really enjoy your blog and wish I could have done this 20 years ago! (Well, I did, but in a diary; never had feedback!) Keep up the good work; I love it!

  • Alone, sitting at my computer I just BURST out laughing at the story of the “S”! That is AWESOME!! Stopping by from SITS Saturday Sharefest and so glad I did. And I could not agree with you more about the jelly beans!!
    thedoseofreality recently posted…Damn You, Amazon.comMy Profile

  • Anne says:

    Great read. So true. And funny.

  • Kristen Daukas
    Twitter:
    says:

    Great story… as the mom to 3 girls a bit older than yours, I’m glad you wrote this one down.. because (as you know) the day is coming really quickly where she will want to know if her ass is too big but the bonus is – you already have the right answer! SITS Saturday Sharefest visit and I’m sure I’ll be back.
    Kristen Daukas recently posted…I Am Not Ready For Endless Love and Teenage SexMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Ah, thanks, Kristen. I am glad I wrote it down, though I am fairly certain some of the likes that dropped off were from my own family who were probably like, “shut up, girlfriend.” (In Hindi, of course). Ah, well. It’s a nice-ish version of the truth, one that I hope I will remember to delete once she is in middle school.

      Shaila, if I forgot, I AM SO SORRY. Just letting you know, now.

      xoxo,
      Kiran

  • Galit Breen
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh that S story! Too. Much.

    Thank you also for the congratulations, I’m pretty damn happy to be here, for sure! :)
    Galit Breen recently posted…Sticky SweetMy Profile

  • kassie says:

    oh my! the S story, hysterical. I’m glad to have found your blog.
    kassie recently posted…Project 365- Week 1My Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Thank you, Kassie. Am glad you found me too, which allows me to conversely find you. Seriously, actuary by day? I am a data analytics nerd, so I am come up with cool ways to predict customer behavior but mine is way more hunky dory (marketing, schmarketing) than your job. You are hard core numbers and stats all the time, eh? Glad you let the left side of your brain get some space. Ahhh.

  • ilene
    Twitter:
    says:

    I’m a sucker for a nice S. And yes, more than 12 jelly bean flavors? Wasteful. We could create peace with the effort it probably took to come up with that buttered popcorn flavor. And I can’t wait to read your next post to see how you plan to put some pep back into your step. I bet it’s gonna be good. Really good.
    ilene recently posted…BallsMy Profile

  • MomWithaDot says:

    Love the way you write Kiran. Most mom’s think the same thing – but to express it the way you did OSum!
    MomWithaDot recently posted…All’s well because it ended well :) My Profile

  • LisaAR
    Twitter:
    says:

    You can bet your sweet S that 2013 is going to shake the dust off of 2012 and kick some serious S!
    LisaAR recently posted…The Sandwich Generation – If Only It Were as Simple as a Turkey on WheatMy Profile

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MEET KIRAN
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud. Read More....
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