Over the past few weeks, I wrote a few posts about my family. I pondered what boundaries to maintain since I felt like I had a right to tell these stories, because they did explain a lot about the dynamics that affected my life. That still make me who I am today.
But life doesn’t work that way, at least not for now. I think I hurt a lot of people in my family, more than I realized I could or ever would and so I have pulled down those posts. I love them more than I love this blog or even my love of writing. I haven’t yet picked up the phone to say I’m sorry, mainly because I think they’re all still upset with me and I can be a coward like that. But I am sorry and will find the balls (Has anyone seen my balls? Anybody? Bueller?) to call them soon.
There are stories that I was in and I can say that I am undeniably the main character. But there are still supporting actors in that story that have a stake in my retelling of the story. And then there are those stories where I know either my siblings or my parents are the main characters. I may have still been written into the script, but ultimately, when it comes to the retelling, it’s not my story to tell. It’s theirs.
I think even the stories where I am the main character are still theirs. Kind of, anyway.
There are other avenues to revisit my past and maybe rip the scabs off of some wounds that just won’t heal until I come back to dress them again, more carefully this time. With deeper understanding. And frankly, I pay my therapist a lot more than I will ever pay any of you, so it’s really not right for me to put that burden on those of you kind enough to join me here.
And I am starting to get that. While I have often looked at writing and this blog as a cathartic place for me, I also have to wonder at what point my fascination or need to revisit the past will end. I can recount the story hundreds of times, hundreds of ways, but at some point I think where I need to be today is not in the recounting but in the acceptance of my past.
And ultimately, forgiveness.
Both to be forgiven and to forgive.
That’s where I need to go.
That does not mean I won’t be writing anymore. There are topics I have been DYING to get to:
1) Relaxation through Needlepoint
2) 50 Shades of Grey – a chapter by chapter dissection
3) Is Orange the New Black?
4) The Gift of Menstruation – what men REALLY want to know
5) Investigative piece on whether people really say “Potah-toe.” Who and where are they?
6) Dry Brushing Cellulite techniques – From Flab to Fab? With before and after pictures (Bonus!)
7) Pink Zinfandel: The Forgotten American Treasure
8) The Extinction of Zima: Come on. You know you liked it.
And of course, my little exploration of forgiveness. I may dabble in some other things here and there, but this is the plan and I am sticking to it. Hope you stick with me too.
“Forgiveness means it finally becomes unimportant that you hit back. You’re done. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you want to have lunch with the person. If you keep hitting back, you stay trapped in the nightmare…”
― Anne Lamott, Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith