My Husband, the Teeth Model
Yesterday was my husband’s birthday. I wished him “Happy Birthday” on Facebook, because this is the way you are supposed to profess your love to a spouse in the world of social media. You have to do things like this to let your Twitter crushes (Shout out to @Cali_Kid_Mike and @TheMichaelRock! No worries. I just stalk them platonically) and your ex-boyfriends on Facebook know that someone really did end up marrying you.
Now, I know that most everyone looks forward to his or her birthday on Facebook. Unless you are one of those people who doesn’t want anyone to know your birthday and you mark that shit as private. Or one of those people who doesn’t have a Facebook account because of privacy or because you are too good for it.
I know some of you guys. Some of you are even friends. I will not judge you except to say that I think you’re really weird.
I will never quit Facebook. You will have to pry it from my tight vise-like, Kung-Fu grip. I’m not missing my birthday on it EVER.
Watching your Facebook inbox and wall fill up with posts from all these people who love you so, so very much is just such an amazing feeling. I don’t care if it takes two seconds to write, “Happy Birthday!” and you might not even recognize me if you saw me at Target. You know, where I look exactly like my Facebook picture and not the more banged up, less aesthetically pleasing version of myself. (Hint: I’m the sobbing woman running away from the bikini section that’s there to taunt her winter sized ass, just as you walk in).
You, my friend, love me. I can feel it from the way you wrote it. The number of exclamation marks you put up there is a dead giveaway. Even if you never would remember my birthday in “real” life, unless it showed up in the upper right corner of your Facebook wall. You help validate my worth in a sometimes shallow and meaningless existence within social media where likes, posts and inbox messages tell me how very special I am.
You think I’m being sarcastic, but you know exactly what I am talking about.
I know that John really, really looked forward to yesterday. It’s his one day where he actually engages on Facebook. Not that he’s not on it. But he’s one of those people who usually just clicks “Like” on everything and doesn’t say much unless it’s about the Yankees. Or the Cowboys.
Or to say “Happy Birthday, X!” to all of his thousand+ friends.
Today I posted a picture on the Masala Chica Facebook Page.
“Happy birthday to my husband the best dentist office tooth model ever!!!”
Of course, this raised a few questions. When had John begun a modeling career? Is that really your husband, or an old picture of Eric Estrada? John’s not the model, I thought his best friend is?
As you can tell, Nico seems less than impressed to see his father on the wall at his first appointment with our dentist, Dr. Han. Shaila seems fairly chill about the whole thing as well.
Some of you know how John ended up on the lovely wall at Broadlands Dentistry. Others do not, since I only had like 5 readers when I wrote this. Since my readership has at least tripled since then, I thought I’d take a stroll down memory lane with you, before John’s blindingly white smile graced the walls of that waiting room. And the postcard reminders. Oh and the website. Also the pamphlets.
The ladies at our dentist office love my husband, John. I think it has something to do with how friendly and smiley he is. Maybe it’s because he never gets cavities. Whatever it is, they are seriously crushing on him.
I have thought this was cute. It doesn’t really bother me. When John missed his appointment a few weeks ago because of some last minute work travel, he forgot to call the office to cancel. I had an appointment two days later and as soon as I walked in, the receptionist looked up from her desk and jumped up to greet me.
“Oh my God! Is John okay? We are so worried about him!”
I could feel the eyes of the other patients in the waiting room looking me up and down. What had happened to this John person? I could almost see them asking. (They had not yet updated the fliers, so his celebrity was not yet on the rise in Northern Virginia). I was so confused as I hadn’t realized he had missed the appointment and I also didn’t realize his teeth were that bad that the office staff would be so concerned.
At this point, one of the hygienists ran out from the back and said, “Oh, what happened? This is so unlike him!”
As opposed to so like him? Based on what?
And so I apologized for John (thanks, John) and had to spend the rest of my cleaning listening to how great my husband is, and how funny he is, and oh wow, he must just love our kids soooo much.
Seriously. They got this from his teeth?
“He seems like such a great husband. And he’s Italian! I love Italian food!”
“Es, ee ith ithalian, buth thigh I the thun that thoes the thooking” I also tried to explain that he is half Puerto Rican, but it was hard to get out with that suction thing making a ruckus and my mouth wide open.
“Oh bless his heart! I bet he cooks for you all the time!”
“Thar thou thucking thidding mhee?” I tried to say, except she told me to spit.
I don’t know what John talks about when he is in the office. And I don’t know he can get a word in edgewise during his cleanings because he is a bad flosser, so they must have to use the time he is there to really get in there.
So all I remember thinking was “How the hell did you get this from his teeth?”
As I left the office that day, the receptionist yelled after me from her desk, “Tell John to keep his next appointment! We don’t want him to break our hearts again!”
So then the next day, John goes to the office for his appointment and comes back home all happy and beaming like Ponch from CHIPS with a story to tell me. Most people would probably get reprimanded for missing an appointment and get smacked with a “no-show” fee at most places.
But not John. And not Dr. Han’s office.
Instead, they asked him to become one of the “faces” of their office and be on their website and all over their office walls. They want to hire a photographer and have a photo session so he can flash his pearly whites so his fan club can swoon all over his pictures every day.
“Now we can look at you every day!” they told him.
You could tell he was trying to be humble about it, except of course the part where he wasn’t trying to be humble at all.
“Isn’t it funny how you used to model and I’m the one who gets asked to be in the pictures?”
“Yeah, it’s hysterical.” I said, not really laughing but still finding it odd that his teeth have some special “something” that mine will never have.
The “IT” factor. For teeth.
He was so excited. John’s best friend has modeled as a side job for years and we see him on TV in commercials and in magazines all the time. I could see John already putting his portfolio together and thinking about how many commercials there might be where he could play a call center rep from Mumbai. But then I had to remind him that while he has the loveliest smile in real life, anytime a camera is pointed at him, he becomes Chandler Bing and clams up.
And of course he remembered that is a bit of a problem but I think he is going to try and wing it. I mean, you don’t want to lose an opportunity to have your teeth displayed all over the office and website of your local dentist.
Once in a lifetime opportunity, John. You MUST take it. Carpe the hell out of this one.
I will let you guys know how it goes!
And so now you know about how John’s promising modeling career started. I haven’t quit my job just yet, but if he keeps smiling like that, I’m hoping he can even land a Bollywood gig or do stunt work for Wilmer Valderama.
Never stop dreaming, friends. No matter how many people generally ignore you on Facebook on non-birthday days.