Last Mornings

“The timeless in you is aware of life’s timelessness. And knows that yesterday is but today’s memory and tomorrow is today’s dream.”

- Khalil Gibran, “The Prophet”

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“Last morning, I peed my pants.”

“Last morning, I got a boo boo, Mommy.”

“Remember? Last morning, Shaila hit me.”

These are all things my three year old son, Nico, can say on a given morning. You would think that “last morning” might mean yesterday, or the day before yesterday morning. But no. Last morning can really be any morning that happened in the past. Heck, it might even be an afternoon or an evening.

We have a lot of stories about “last morning” going on in this house. “Last morning” basically is a sum of all our yesterdays; it’s where the accidents of our past took place and where we lay our mistakes to rest.

I look at my own past, kind of how Nico does. A lot of memories of yesterdays seem to jumble up together. I don’t often remember the order in which all the memories take place but they sometimes stumble upon each other when I look back at them, forming a mosaic of “last morning” type of scenes.

Last morning I had a baby named Shaila. (Granted that morning was almost six years ago now. Just stick with me on this one).

Last morning, I suffered through terrible post-partum depression, which lingered on when I had my second child, Nico, two years later.

Last morning, I started to question the marriage that John and I built together.

Last morning, the questioning grew stronger.

Last morning, John and I wondered if we were quite right for each other.

Last morning, John and I separated.

Last morning, I went and bought a house.

Last morning, John and I realized that we wanted to work on our life together.

Last morning, I had to “return” the house, just two weeks before going to closing.

Last morning, I lost some people I really cared about. Only a few of those lost actually were to death.

Last morning, I cried. Shit. I cried a lot of mornings.

Last morning, I laughed. Some mornings it was easier than others.

Last morning, I drank too much wine. In my defense, it was really in the last evenings.

Last mornings were hard.

Last mornings are now just a series of my yesterdays.

The past few years have been hard for me. Hard meaning things hurt, I hurt, I have been through things I didn’t expect and I have felt a sucker punch or two (or three) that I wasn’t quite prepared to handle, last morning. Heck, I don’t know if I am prepared to handle them THIS morning. I know I feel things hard. Even before I started writing this blog, I always seemed to accessorize my most often mismatched outfits with my heart positioned right on my sleeve, where everyone could see it.

Maybe even poke at it a little.

“Kiran’s… sensitive,” is how my closest friends might describe it. The friends who have been there for me on my last mornings and continue to be there for me might describe it as something else outside of my own hearing. If they are honest, the words “impulsive,” “constantly searching,” and “dreamer” might be a part of their description as well. I know they love me, but I think I confuse them. I think we handle our last mornings differently. I would say they do a better job than me.

They would probably agree.

The last mornings of my recent past where I started to juggle a full time job with motherhood, marriage with my own independence, family with my need to still be my own person were tough. I imagine that they are for a lot of mothers and fathers like myself who have felt their last mornings implode on themselves. I also know that there are many who handle it all with much more grace and wisdom than I have been able to manage, across all my last mornings.

My last morning were not always joyous and no, they didn’t always fit into a nice little package that I yearn to re-open on rainy days.

I feel like they belong in my past, where they will stay.

Still. Regardless of the challenge I might have felt in the most recent years of my life, there were so many gifts I got last morning.

Last morning, I had a beautiful daughter named Shaila.

Last morning, I was blessed with an amazing son named Nico.

Last morning, I rediscovered my marriage.

Last morning, I realized how lucky I am to have many of the people in my life who have chosen to stick around.

Last morning, I realized how lucky I am to have my parents, and John’s parents, alive and a part of our lives.

Last mornings, while challenging, were also really quite amazing.

And I need to remind myself of that. Whether it’s Nico tattling about his sister when he talks about his last mornings or whether its me, trying to make sense of a few years full of last mornings I once had trouble navigating. Last mornings pave the way for a new today. And maybe an even more amazing tomorrow.

Kiran

 








28 Comments on Last Mornings

  1. dixya
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 3:12 pm (2 years ago)

    Kiran- I am so proud that you ended the post of last morning on such a positive note. When I look back at mylast morning- i have mixed feelings about falling, rising, heart break, lies, trust, success, happiness etc etc but I am here today because of last mornings. Each events in last mornings has challenged you to become a strong woman, loving mother, and great wife. XOXO friend – cheers to last mornings and many more mornings to come.
    dixya recently posted…Marvelous in my MondayMy Profile

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  2. Kristen Daukas
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 3:33 pm (2 years ago)

    I’ve had many last mornings that I thought might break me, but being the eternal optimist that I am just kept swinging. That and I realize that there’s always, always someone having a worse last morning than me. But it’s hard to always remember that.
    Kristen Daukas recently posted…Steubenville Rapists Found Guilty, But are They Sorry?My Profile

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  3. Sig
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 6:03 pm (2 years ago)

    This post just made me want to give you the most enormous hug….I can look back at my “last mornings” and dwell, but I love that you are able to now see the positive in the challenges. Not saying it was easy, because I know it can be fucking hard, but to get through it and see that silver lining – it’s heartwarming xx
    Sig recently posted…Weekend Reading #36My Profile

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  4. Alison
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 6:27 pm (2 years ago)

    Last mornings can be such a bitch.
    Last mornings can also be rather stunning.
    I’m glad you can see the stunning. xo
    Alison recently posted…Motherhood Has Taken MeMy Profile

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  5. Anne Marie
    March 18, 2013 at 7:18 pm (2 years ago)

    Love.. Adding the phrase to my vocabulary.

    Reply
  6. Arnebya
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 7:58 pm (2 years ago)

    Last morning I said screw everything and everybody. Last morning I said I love the world, myself, and everyone. I’m glad your bad last morning is tempered with the knowledge and understanding that there are still good last mornings to be had.
    Arnebya recently posted…What Do You Remember From Kindergarten?My Profile

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  7. Kim
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 8:32 pm (2 years ago)

    There are some last mornings that I would not choose to live through again; and there are some that I cherish. Very beautiful!
    Kim recently posted…How Awesome Is He?My Profile

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  8. Robin
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 8:58 pm (2 years ago)

    What a lovely perspective on your memories. My 4-year-old does this too – he will tell someone a story as though it happened yesterday when it might have been months ago. It fascinates me. It’s as if it’s part of his present, and I suppose in some ways it is. I never really thought about it that way for me though. Love that you did and found so much meaning in it.
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  9. Jennifer
    March 18, 2013 at 9:04 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh yes. So much. James’ thing is tomorrow. “Momma tomorrow can we…?” It is always a variety of different things, and he could mean the real tomorrow or the next weekend or a month from now. He looks ahead. But much like your Nico looking back, my James does a much better job than me of looking forward.
    Jennifer recently posted…Houston Children’s Festival.My Profile

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  10. Anna See
    March 18, 2013 at 10:12 pm (2 years ago)

    Last morning, oh how I love that phrase. Thank you for sharing your last mornings w/ us and your todays.
    Anna See recently posted…Jack’s BirthdayMy Profile

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  11. Elaine A.
    Twitter:
    March 18, 2013 at 10:26 pm (2 years ago)

    I just adore the fact that your son inspired this post, somewhat. It is a really beautiful reflection on life. Your life. Just lovely, Kiran. xo
    Elaine A. recently posted…It’s All GoodMy Profile

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  12. Snehal Naik
    March 19, 2013 at 3:48 am (2 years ago)

    Hey Kiran,

    I am so glad that your post ended on a positive note. I too have my share of horrible last mornings. And when I move on, I always think “Forget it Snehal, this is not worth your time. It is over.”

    You are a wonderful writer Kiran! Very few people can make others feel through their writing. And you just do that! Awesomest!
    Snehal Naik recently posted…When death comes….My Profile

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  13. ilene
    Twitter:
    March 19, 2013 at 3:48 am (2 years ago)

    Oh, shit, now you have me crying. I don’t talk a lot about my last mornings on my blog, and maybe I should. For now, I’ll just hide over here when I need to let it out. So beautifully spoken. Let’s hear it for amazing todays and tomorrows. xo
    ilene recently posted…Bring on the NoiseMy Profile

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  14. sarah sundayspill
    Twitter:
    March 19, 2013 at 6:57 am (2 years ago)

    Kiran, my last mornings haven’t been all roses either. I’d hesitate to believe someone who claimed otherwise. And even though you don’t claim to have as much grace as others, I find plenty in this post :) xox
    sarah sundayspill recently posted…artists in love. sometimes it’s about.My Profile

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  15. Manisha
    March 20, 2013 at 11:51 am (2 years ago)

    My little one has been saying “yesterday”, as in “yesterday, I fell into the toilet” – something that had happened over 6 months ago! It’s fun seeing them play around with words like this.

    It seems fairly obvious to me that you have come out stronger from the challenges that you faced. Processing the experiences in this way, on your blog seems to be an act of healing for you, for me, and for all the other readers.
    Manisha recently posted…76My Profile

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  16. Greta
    March 20, 2013 at 2:04 pm (2 years ago)

    Oh, Kiran. We have to focus on the good, right? Because otherwise, we’d be miserable. Hugs (virtual now, real tomorrow).

    My three year old says “last night” to mean everything in the past. :)
    Greta recently posted…The Very Best Snuggles #iPPPMy Profile

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  17. Shefali
    Twitter:
    March 20, 2013 at 4:15 pm (2 years ago)

    Yup had a bunch of those -Last morning kicked my ass kinda morning
    and also felt – Last morning I learnt something new, something that tells me I will be OK.

    So glad I read this today. Thanks for the positivity!
    Shefali recently posted…Sundays As UsualMy Profile

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  18. Angela
    March 22, 2013 at 8:04 am (2 years ago)

    Last morning life felt so hard and difficult. Last morning I felt unappreciated and unrecognized. Those last morning problems are hard to live with, but as you write so eloquently “last mornings while challenging, were also really quite amazing”. Thank you for your thoughtful, honest and beautifully written post.

    Reply
  19. Lady Jennie
    March 22, 2013 at 11:47 am (2 years ago)

    I didn’t know all this about you, but I really loved learning it. I also wear my heart on my sleeve.

    I’m so happy that your marriage worked, and that you were able to turn all the last mornings into something positive.
    Lady Jennie recently posted…The Bible as a Literary WorkMy Profile

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  20. Ameena
    March 22, 2013 at 4:00 pm (2 years ago)

    I love this post…I especially love the last line Kiran!
    Ameena recently posted…she’s 8My Profile

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  21. Jennifer
    Twitter:
    March 23, 2013 at 12:03 pm (2 years ago)

    I love how your write about your life with such brazen honesty. It’s so comforting for me to see another writer living her life out loud.

    So awesome that you met Susan Cain. I want to read her book very soon.

    Keep on keeping on. xoxo
    Jennifer recently posted…Ten Reasons I’m Thankful I Went to Wild MountainMy Profile

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  22. vanita
    March 27, 2013 at 9:32 pm (2 years ago)

    last mornings…everything is “this morning when i woke up” around here. and i hear u sis, so many this mornings when i woke up sucked too…so many in too many rows. but they taught me lessons. they raised me. and so many brought me great joy. it all balances out eventually. i haven’t had a sucky one in at least 2 years. or maybe since i’ve had the suckiest ones already and lived through them, nothing else seems so bad. and no dream is ever too big to accomplish sis.
    vanita recently posted…Bounce Rate Defined Series: Wrap Your Blog In HoneyMy Profile

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  23. Lisa C
    Twitter:
    March 12, 2014 at 7:01 am (12 months ago)

    Wow. Beautifully written, and so, so resonant. In this phase of our lives, we are all in the thick of it, aren’t we? No more abstract future thoughts, like, “When we have kids…” “When we get married…” – we’re IN it. In it is good, but in it is HARD, too. Much love. xoxox
    Lisa C recently posted…Happy Cancerversary*My Profile

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  24. Anne Marie
    Twitter:
    March 12, 2014 at 10:41 am (12 months ago)

    Kiran, This is so true for me as well. You have done a wonderful job of capturing the feelings of those ‘last mornings’ – and they are who we are. Thanks for sharing. Hugs,

    Reply

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