Knocking, but Nobody Answers

This is a hard post to write. It’s about something that has bothered me for a while. It’s been in my head, but I haven’t unlocked the door on my thoughts to fully get the words out here until now. I get upset every time I go there. My heart hurts, I get a little achy, my throat gets choked up and the tears well up in my eyes. OH. FUCK. I’m losing it already. See what you made me do? Now I have boogers all over me. I never cry pretty. Where are the damn tissues?

Got ‘em. Anyway, at this point, I will vacillate between drinking and crying, so I decide to make it easy on myself. Do a little bit of both. If I am lucky, I won’t write a dumb ass Facebook status that makes no sense to me (or anybody else, for that matter) in the morning (See Rule #4 of Facebook Rules.)

I think I am ready to write this though. Will you grab a drink and pull up a chair? Maybe pat me on the back awkwardly if I look like I need it? Don’t get too touchy though. That might be weird.

Ok, here goes.

I have a friend.

Yes, I know. Earth-shattering news. OK, I take that back. I could see why that could surprise you, given some of the shit I say on this blog. But yes, I have friend(s) actually.

Plural (ish).

I need to stop making jokes.

Just write this. FACE THIS. Get ‘er DONE, Kiran.

Ok. Where was I? Oh yeah, so this friend is someone I considered to be a good friend. Someone whose children I always loved to spoil. Someone who was one of the first to visit our family when both of our children were born. Someone to whom I have turned to on rainy days or when I had an idea in my head that was getting ready to explode. Someone I thought was part of our extended family.

The thing I realize is that I don’t think she ever considered me to be much of a friend. Or perhaps she DID, but stopped somewhere along the way.

Over the past year, my emails go unanswered. Calls and messages have been ignored. Not only has there been no action to reach out to me on her part, but she has completely stopped communicating at all. It makes me feel that I misunderstood our friendship or have done something terrible that I am unaware of. For all I know, it may not even be like that. In her mind, it may not even be a case of my friendship not meaning much, her being upset with me or anything like that at all.

She just moved on. To other friends. Different friends.

It’s weird feeling like… Like you have been completely forgotten.

ERASED.

It started slowly. We’d make dates to meet up, but there was always a reason why she couldn’t meet.

Pretty soon I noticed how long it would take to get a response back on emails. Over time, there were no responses.

Over time, I would berate myself for even thinking anything was off. YET, there was still this nagging feeling. An instinct.

You think, is it in my head? Is this just me being my normal crazy? Cuz I know I am helluva crazy.

But then you realize that this person who used to “like” every picture of your kids on Facebook, who used to have comments on all the pictures you used to share has been conspicuously absent on anything involving any of your family.

But she is not conspicuously absent from Facebook. In fact, she is there a LOT.

You might say “Who GIVES a rat’s ass? Let it go, Kiran. Focus on people who care back.”

I can and DO focus on people who care for me and whom I love. Maybe not as well as I always should, but I still do. That doesn’t still mean that I don’t hurt or mourn the loss of this friendship.

You might think – what if your friend reads this? Won’t she know? Isn’t it easier to just talk to her? The answer is no, I don’t think she will recognize who I am speaking about, I don’t think she will read this post and I have already tried to talk too many times. Besides, this email is not an “outing.” Not at all.

I just have to accept and get rid of this feeling. The best analogy I can come up with is I keep knocking on a door and can hear people inside, the loud voices of a party, but nobody answers the door. I knock again, certain that I hear my friend’s laughter. But still. No answer.

Now, unless I a) want to try and blend in with the doormat b) have ten Papa John’s pizzas that need to get delivered or c) am a fucking stalker, I have to walk away from that door and stop knocking. Because my instincts are right. There is someone peering back at me through the peephole. They just choose not to answer.

Wait a minute. Is this what being on a Mormon mission feels like?

Ah, hell. That sucks. But just for the record, I ALWAYS answer, guys.

I have to accept that I may never get the closure I need. Maybe writing this post will help me. Sometimes life just works that way. You don’t always get a pretty ribbon to tie all the loose ends of your heart up. I need to put my big girl pants on and put a Little Mermaid band-aid over the part of my hand that is raw from all the knocking. I accept that it will heal.

Eventually.

In the meantime, I won’t lock my door. If she wants to knock on it, and come in,  she knows where to find me.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation like this?

22 Responses to Knocking, but Nobody Answers

  • Myra says:

    Well written, friend. It definitely isn’t a good feeling when friendships die off, but sadly, I think it happens way more than we realize. Some people might call it growing up, but I personally feel that everyone should make an effort – even if it’s just with a hello. Such a simple gesture can go a long way!
    xoxo

  • Dixya
    Twitter:
    says:

    I have lost few friends along the way who really meant alot to me..Its a terrible feeling because you dont know what went wrong and no matter how much you try to fix it, they dont bother to listen to you. I tried and now I have given up because there is only so much i can try and i felt like maybe I was the one who needed those friends and they never really considered me as their friends. At this point, I have made peace with myself and moved on. Dont stress too much about it because if she really cared, she will find a way to reach out to you and if she doesnt-she just lost a good friend.

  • Marie says:

    I have been on both ends of this. When I am on the receiving end, it hurts and I obsess over it and wonder how someone could be so hurtful. However, recently, I know I am “that” kind of friend to one of my friends. For some reason, I just can’t be there with her, can’t do things with her. After awhile, I realized that I didn’t really want her OUT of my life, just to have some distance. Thankfully, she left the door open for me and I could step in, in a way that worked for me (without any kind of conversation – she was just kind and answered my emails when I sent them). Good luck with this. And I am glad that you always make room for new friends, too!

  • Larissa
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh man – I swear you were writing about a good friend of mine. I was like, wait… she is saying everything I have felt about friend X. Weird. Guess it happens to us all, my friend. You can come and knock on my door anytime… although you’d have to haul your butt out west first!

  • Sig
    Twitter:
    says:

    I have the feeling that this is happening to me right now…and we’re both kind of holding on for the sake of our shared history. We’ve known each other since we were 14, went to the same uni and our husbands get along and are mates as well. But, over the last few years she has been pulling back – in the way, whenever we try and catch up I can almost guarantee she will cancel – at the last minute. Yet she will call me up and want to meet when she is free without consideration that I have things in my life as well. I feel, in terms of priorities I’m not up there anymore, while I still consider her to be a good friend. Maybe it’s because I have so few of them that I’m holding on.

    I did ask her about this months back and she admitted it to me that she distanced herself because – of my old blog. I had written about her, not directly, but enough for her to recognize herself. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. So, she decided to cut me off.

    Sigh…don’t know what to do.

    • masalachica says:

      I feel like blogging gets in the way of a lot of relationships. That’s why I gave up on it for a while – I just felt that while it gave me an outlet, I needed to focus more on my IRL (in real life) relationships for a while.

      You give her the space she needs and reach out every once in a while. Hopefully she will get past that hurt and be there for you when the baby comes.

      ((Hugs))

  • cynthia says:

    ya, something similar happened to me in high school. I was friends with this girl in my chemistry class and we got along so well that we could never shut up and if we did, we would scribble notes for each other. We probably annoyed the hell out of our teacher but we were having too much fun to care. Then i noticed that she stopped talking to me. I’d ask her a question and i would get a murmur or a one word answer. Eventually i just let go and stopped bothering. A year later i ran into her at a restroom in a different school and the strangest thing happened. She walked in, saw me, and made a U turn. 0_o Not a word. I’ve tried to piece together what i did wrong but i can’t think of anything for the life of me. Oh well.
    Losing friendships is one of the hardest things to go through i think. Hurts every time.

    • masalachica says:

      Ah Cynthia – that’s tough – such a critical age and such a time where you really lean emotionally on your friends. Those situations I always feel have emerged after some kind of misunderstanding. One girl who was upset with me and stopped talking to me later confided that she felt I was flirty with her boyfriend. I wish I had known because I had a boyfriend, am super friendly, but I wouldn’t flirt. If only we had spoken – we could have straightened that out.

      In the end we are all human. We hurt. We hurt others. And we hope we’re actually learning something important for how NOT to do it again.

      Kiran

  • Nish says:

    “Wait a minute. Is this what being on a Mormon mission feels like?” Hilarious!! Because I live in Utah and I do this all the time. Anytime we lose a friend and we don’t even know the reason, rather than lamenting about it, lets make two more friends. Because Life is too short!!

    • masalachica says:

      Ha – love that you liked that. I actually used to work at Omniture/Adobe and so was in Utah quite often. All the guys I made friends with went on missions and after I became friends with them, whenever a mormon on a mission knocked on our door, I’d be offering them drinks, snacks, packing up sandwiches, telling them to use our bathrooms. I was like there ain’t no way I’m turning Mormon – but if you ever need food, come on right over.

      Thanks for visiting and commenting. I would love if you became active on the comments and on the facebook page. Thanks again, Nish!!

  • Alexandra says:

    I’m with you. I have come to rely on my online friends: I hve more fun with them and feel more of a connectin with them. But then I don’t work on my real life friends BUT that’s why I turned tot he internet in the first place.
    The connection and return on feelings wasn’t there.
    Such a cycle…

    I hope one day you find out what happened…

    • masalachica says:

      Hi Alexandra! Thank you so much for visiting and for you lovely input.

      In all honestly, this was a true IRL (in real life) friend who dropped many of us for her online friends. I love the relationships I create online, but I hope that I don’t lose sight of the people whose hands I have held, who I have held in my arms through tough times and whose children I have loved. Because I have heard their laughter, felt that warm breath of their kiss of my cheeks and whose puke I have had to clean (lol).

      I love my online friends – this has been an amazing community to fill some holes in my heart, especially when I fear that the people who know me (most ironically) may not be able to understand a story I need to tell – they are too connected to me. But I still value both in different ways.

      Thanks so much for your support and hearing about your experience :-). It means a lot.

  • I know this.

    I know this.

    And I hate it.

    I have written about it at my place.

    The way friendships change. Evolve. Die.

    It is painful to be the one left behind. I know this, too. Our hearts are so big. Too big, maybe. My door is open. It has been for a long time, but she has never come. So I have learned to let go. Little by little, I have uncurled my fingers and realized that — like you said — I was the one who loved more. I was the one who always organized everything. I was the one who made declarations about our friendship. I was the one who loved her children more. Invited her to parties. Made her lunch.

    It’s okay. I know where I am now. And I have a much better sense of who my real friends are. But it was hard when it was happening.

    PS: I am not loving that I can only get you through Bloglovin’ — is there no way to subscribe via email? Just curious. BlogLovin’ always ends up in my SPAM folder. I can’t believe how many of your posts I’ve missed!

  • ani says:

    Hi. I’ve been reading your blog for a few weeks. I love it. You speak what I think about, worry about, fret about and I share similar past as you. In this case…about friendship–you are spot on with what i’ve been feeling the past year! gosh I want to move on and focus on my other friends (yes, plural :-)) but it’s hard. and it hurts. but you know what? It’s not about us. it’s about them. so in the end it’s their loss. but deep down I know they will come back knocking.

    Thanks for writing this honest post. I don’t wish it on anyone but its’ comforting to know i’m not the only one who feels this way.

    • masalachica says:

      Dear Ani,

      I am so glad that you joined the discussion and I am glad that you can relate to me.

      You are NOT alone. Not at all.

      People will pass through our lives. I guess we should be grateful for the good times we had with the ones we loved who may have just been “stopping by” for a while.

      xo,
      Kiran

  • Neha says:

    Firstly, I love your posts. I totally agree to you and quite relate to the situation you are in. I did face the same kind of scenario and it is really frustrating ! But, all you learn from it is, never get ‘SO CLOSE’ to someone that it hurts when they leave.

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MEET KIRAN
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud. Read More....
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