I Will Try to Fix You
A while ago, I saw someone who is broken. Someone I love.
Broken.
I used to think that you could fix anything. That emotional cuts could heal, that a painful past could be left to reside in its yesterdays. I have learned with time that it’s not so easy to compartmentalize the good and the bad in your life. That old memories have a way of inviting themselves into your life when you least need them. That things you think you are over, that you have tidily found a place for in the farthest corner of your mind, can tip-toe back to the front. Demanding that you acknowledge them and stop throwing them into the back of the attic to be hidden once more.
I used to be good at hiding things away. At applying salve to my emotional wounds and covering my cuts with enough Hello Kitty band-aids that I thought they would only leave some small scars as proof.
I was doing ok. I did heal. But I still hurt. The band-aids didn’t take away the bruises and the fractures that had set in, beneath the surface. But I somehow managed. I imagine I was a bit like a functioning alcoholic or drug addict, walking a tenuous line between healed and wounded. Sometimes something would set me over the edge and I would lash out – with anger, with sharp words, with a venom I didn’t know I had in me.
All that hurt had lead to a great deal of anger. And insecurity.
I can’t say that I’ve fully dealt with it. These things are a process. There are no automatic fixes or miracles that can exorcise the ghosts of my past. Trust me, I know. I’ve tried.
I wish I could hold this person that I love, who thinks they are broken and say, “This is nothing. You’re strong enough. You’re better than this. You can still fix yourself.” I know that I can’t though. It’s not allowed and it’s not welcome.
So I watch from afar. And there is nothing worse than watching someone you love, someone who has spent their whole life hiding painful things from the past in the attic realize that the roof is going to give out. All of that pain is seeping through the walls, straining to be acknowledged. Neglected for years, it comes out, demanding attention.
Actually. I take that back. There is something worse than watching someone go through that painful realization.
It’s watching the light go out in their eyes.
How do you fix someone who doesn’t want to be fixed?
Can you?
XO,
Kiran
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud.
KIran, I have been there… watching from afar and my words not welcomed. Never an easy fix.
I saw my friend’s light go out as I held her. My only childhood friend who could not find a way out of those thoughts. It has changed me forever.
My thoughts are with you both and hope you both find the grace and strength to get through each moment.
Just be there in whatever capacity and dont forget to be there for yourself.
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Nope. You can’t. You can only focus on your own words and actions in a given moment, and put the good out there in their direction, with no expectations for a return. You can shine a flashlight to illuminate the climb leading to the top of the tower, but your friend will need to climb the stairs to reach the view at the top for him/herself. Peace.
PS – Can’t help but think that when the past tiptoes back, it might be at the time you MOST need it rather than least…I can only speak for myself, of course, but each time I am confronted by my past, if I rip off the bandaid and let it air out, it seems to heal a little deeper, the skin with scar tissue becoming actually a little tougher/stronger than the rest. I am trying to look at the returning bumps as good things with something shiny hidden behind them – Bring it on – I will pull up my bootstraps and muster through in search of the hidden gem. What else can you do? Isn’t it a Buddhist saying that the lotus flower can’t grow without first pushing through the mud? Trudge on through that mud. There’s a flower in there somewhere. Nice to see you posting again
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Sadly, no, you can’t. I married a broken man I thought I could fix and ended up broken, for a while, myself.
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I tried for many years to fix a dear friend who is broken. I sacrificed more than I can say, and ultimately, I don’t think I made any difference at all to him. It broke my heart to walk away, but it was the only thing I could do to save myself from falling into the same broken state. Some people cannot be fixed, unfortunately. I wish that weren’t true.
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its a really very tough situation, esp if it has to do with your loved ones. But you know, sometimes all you can do it offer your support, sit back and wait for the miracles to happen. The person needs to first accept that there is a problem – I am broken before anyone can do anything. Acceptance is the hardest part. I hope things get better friend.
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I do not believe you can fix them. I believe all we can do is love them unconditionally – and love DOES heal – but the other person needs to be willing to receive the love. The love makes us feel safe – I believe – to move beyond what’s broken and full live.
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great question! i don’t know. i think we can walk beside them, but not fix them. xo
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Is it for us to fix? I don’t know. I think not. I think when our eyes are opened to someone’s pain, we can be there for them in many ways. But to fix them? I don’t think we can.
Hugs to you. xo
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I think it is worst to see someone suffer emotionally. Physical wounds heal, but emotional wounds keep piercing the soul forever. One of my best friends is going through exactly what you described in your post. I could do nothing to help her when she was in the initial phase of her breakdown. She cut herself off from everyone for some months. Later she herself volunteered to talk about it. She and her boyfriend of more than 12 years had to part ways because her Hindu family disapproved of him, a Muslim boy. He too had to get married to someone else eventually under family pressure. It is heartbreaking to see them apart. And I feel helpless when she continues to smile and laugh to hide her sorrow. She waits for her death now, but continues to live a normal life. She says at least after death she will be able to be around her boyfriend without anybody stopping her. She is the only reason I want “life after death” to be a reality.
You are so right, seeing the light go out of their eyes is the worst. Feeling helpless, hopeless and frightened, I’ve been there. Letting them know that you will always be there for them and will be there to support them, things I know you are doing. It never feels like enough, it never feels like it helps, but it does. Surround yourself with positive people who will give you the love and help that you need to keep you going. Please don’t do this alone. You are not alone. Please take care of yourself.
I am so sorry you’re feeling this way – your post could easily be my own thoughts about quite a few people in my life, so I really empathize with what you’re feeling right now. But you don’t have control over them, they have to want to ‘fix’ themselves, and there’s no way you can do that for them. Just being there is enough, and it’s all you can do.
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I don’t think so. I think they have to at least take the first steps for the fixing and we can help them along the way. I know from experience too. Hugs, Kiran.
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