I Dreamed I Lived

via Shutterstock

I come from a family that doesn’t always share. I mean, they share food and clothes and they pray together a lot and things like that. But things like feelings and whether we are angry or whether we are sad? Stuff like that?

That stuff, we don’t share as much. I would dare to even say, that when we do? We don’t do it that well.

This whole blogging thing has been hard for my family. It’s been hard that I have shared things that were not only mine to share. It’s been hard when sometimes they don’t understand why I feel the need to be so confessional. Why can’t you maintain some boundaries? they ask. It’s mainly Papa, who thinks I have diarrhea of the keyboard, with no filter on to keep the shit from flying out.

The thing is, I actually do. There is A LOT I don’t write and I don’t say here, knowing how it can impact others once I push down that first domino. In retrospect, there are some things I wish I had refrained from sharing. Of course there are also things I don’t share because if I do, you can see me for what I really am. An often insecure woman, with big dreams and sometimes little faith in herself. Someone who talks with a bravado she rarely feels, but hides behind humor or sarcasm and cheerleader type euphemisms like “Love wins!” or shit like “Don’t stop believin’!” Like I’m fucking the lead singer of Journey.

Not Steve Perry. The other one.

The truth is that there are some days where I really wonder if love wins. I wonder if dreams are just a distraction from accepting disappointment. I wonder why someone else would believe in me when I don’t have much faith in myself.

I don’t like myself much on those days. Truth is, I don’t like most people on those days. It’s hard to be loving, kind and supportive of others when you can’t even be those things to yourself.

A lot of bloggers will ask other bloggers, what’s your end goal? Some really want to blog, because they love the act of blogging itself. And let me be clear, blogging is different from writing. Blogging is not just the act of writing a post, it’s being interactive with your readers, finding other work that you love and want to support, working with other bloggers to build communities and encouraging and evangelizing others’ writing.

It’s a LOT of work.

Sometimes I am good at it. Most of the times I am thirty steps behind, trying to catch up to be a “good blogger.”

The Facebook page thing is the hardest. I feel like whenever I am most honest on it, I lose people. And that, I’m okay with. Once I stop being real and just spit stuff out to please others, nobody is going to be happy. It’s not sincere. It’s fabricated.

I would make a joke about Manti Te’O except it’s a bit overdone. Plus, we all had fake boyfriends and girlfriends. Right? Hello?! George Glass, everybody. Jan Brady started the trend a long time ago. I’m sure George Glass died an untimely death as well at some point.

R.I.P. George.

Anyway, I like blogging. I think I will always be a “blogger.” But what I really want to be, like many other bloggers as well, is an author. Of books. I’ve got the blog thing down. Songwriting will always be a part of me.

But I want to publish and feel the pride of dreaming and crafting and writing stories that touch people. And that’s scary. It’s really freaking scary. There are some days when I look around and feel like the writing here is something that people love and there are other days where I know I have fallen short. That something was just missing.

And gosh. Who doesn’t want to write a fucking book? If I had a dollar for every blogger I knew who wants to eventually write a book, I could actually quit my job so that I could stay home and write a goddamn book.

Seriously.

I have found a few bloggers who don’t want to write a book or get away from blogging. They use this as a way to help promote a business or a brand. Make some extra money for the household.

And now I guess you know why I do it.

So I’m putting myself out there. This is it. This is me. Naked. Varicose veins, stretch marks, muffin top and all. Ok, ok. Don’t worry, Papa. I’m putting on a robe.

Better now? Ok, good.

I have decided not to give up on it. Even though sometimes disappointment seems like a shadow that I can’t get away from. I have decided to have some more faith in myself. Even on days when I stop believing I have “what it takes.” On days when I read David Sedaris and cry like a baby because my wit and attempts at humor will never compare to the masters I admire.

And well, I have decided to believe that love wins. Because I like who I love, even if it hurts. Even if I bleed. Even if it’s not reciprocated.

It’s still worth it.

So give yourself a hug.

 

 

 

Ok. Stop now. I don’t want everyone in your office to think you’re a freak.

Namaste,
Kiran

36 Responses to I Dreamed I Lived

  • Sabina says:

    LOVE the Flip lead singer…

  • Ameena says:

    I want to be an author. Or I thought I did until I realized that maybe I’m just okay being a blog writer. I mean, it’s not like there’s a ton of money in writing and the stress of never having my work published is a big deterrent. Maybe I don’t want it bad enough?

    I come from a family who doesn’t share either…totally know what you mean.
    Ameena recently posted…my left armMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      I don’t know if it’s that you don’t want it bad enough. I kept talking myself out of it but feeling like life was passing me by when my friends found success in it. Not jealousy. I am happy for them. More like, why are YOU not chasing this if it’s what you want.

      Sometimes there is money. Sometimes there isn’t. I just wonder if maybe if you are passionate enough and directed and strategic enough about it, whether you can create those opportunities that pay more.

      As for what you want to do, I believe you would be wildly successful at both writing and blogging. Your voice is authentic and resonates for many women, across cultures and across continents.

      xo,
      Kiran

  • anita says:

    keep going girl…if I felt like stopping every time I drooled over another masters work, well, I would never go on. There will always be someone better, steadier, wittier…etc, etc…It’s hard…criticism is hard, seeing others do it better is hard, failing is hard, disappointing someone is hard…but in the end, doing the best that I can is all I can do…I try harder when I have the energy, but most of the time I just hope I can make a few people happy and life is good :). And you, my friend, have a gift…no one will ever know about it if you don’t share it…xoxo.

    • masalachica says:

      I am so glad you never stopped. Thank you for your beautiful words and also for being the person you are. I can’t even imagine how much happiness you bring into the lives you touch, on some of the most precious days of a person’s life.

      I need to come out to C’ville and get me some cake. Maybe I will pre-order my anniversary cake for this summer?

      Xo,
      Kiran

  • Nelson
    Twitter:
    says:

    OK, I am going to give you some of the “don’t give up” crap. The reason being, as I’ve told you before, you have a great ability to put words together. If you want to write a book, write it. If you read it when it’s done and it’s a piece of crap, laugh, say it’s a piece of crap and write another one.

    I’ve always thought that I had the ability to write but I was always afraid to try. What happens if no one likes it? How do I get it published if I do write a book? How will I handle rejection? Don’t wait until you are in your sixties to find out.

    I finally gave in last year and signed up for a creative writing course at one of our local community colleges. This course was taught by published writers, we had an established publisher give us a day course on how to self publish, and we had a room full of other people to critique our work.

    I found out that based on my short stories and such I submitted that people liked my work. That led me to doing my blog. I know some of the posts are crap and some of them I am really proud to share like the dedication to my beloved sister in law. My favorite story is the three part one called Addy’s Hill. Of course, we all remember our first. :)

    So, go as fast or as slow as you want. The only pressure is the pressure you place on yourself. You aren’t working toward a deadline. Do what is comfortable, write about what you know, write about what you feel but most of all just WRITE!

    The One Old Sage has spoken. :)

    • masalachica says:

      “So, go as fast or as slow as you want. The only pressure is the pressure you place on yourself.”

      Thank you for your sage wisdom, Nelson. You’re lovely.

      And thanks for speaking. Always.
      xo.
      Kiran

  • Carrie Marshall says:

    You are a great writer, Kiran…and I say go for it! (This coming from another fellow David Sedaris-worshipper:). I have so enjoyed reading your posts since joining FB…I say go for it!’

    • masalachica says:

      Carrie!

      You love David too? Reading him always transports me to another place. I felt like when I read “Me Talk Pretty One Day,” I finally understood the impact that a non-fiction voice could have on a person. Because his stories are so beautifully woven, you almost believe they’re fiction.

      Just better. Fiction a la mode. My favorite things are still the musings on the Easter Bunny vs. The Easter Bell and when he catches the Americans talking about him in France because they think he is dirty, smelly and a thief.

      Thanks for your encouragement and for pushing a sister along!
      xo,
      Kiran

  • Alison
    Twitter:
    says:

    Pursuing dreams is a dogged thing. You just have to keep plowing, and pushing and throwing yourself at people/ things. You have to keep believing.

    This is why I’m never writing a book. Blogging is easier. :)

    Good luck to you!
    Alison recently posted…Tasty Thursday: Gingerbread LoafMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      I have a feeling no matter what you pursued, you would hit it out of the park.

      Dreams take time. I have to tell myself that. And your dreams are unfolding faster and more dynamically than it may seem sometimes.

      Trust me, as someone on the outside looking in, do whatever you want, dear.

      I believe in you. A lot.

      Xo,
      Kiran

  • “But what I really want to be, like many other bloggers as well, is an author. Of books.”

    I will tell you you can do this. But maybe your book is different. Maybe your book is a bunch of collected essays. Maybe it isn’t a novel. Maybe it is something that involves singing and writing and is interactive and is not even invented yet. Maybe you will recognize the moment you want to do it, but maybe it hasn’t happened yet.

    In the meantime, blogging is good practice. It really is.

    You get faster.

    You figure out what people like and what they don’t like.

    This year, I have set my intention on finishing my book. I never set up my blog as a place to peddle my wares. Like you, I will always write. Whether it is in composition notebooks or on napkin scraps, so it might as well be here. Where I can receive comments. And have a community.

    But.

    You can write a book, Kiran. When I see you in Texas, I will look you in the eye and tell you.
    renée a. schuls-jacobson recently posted…What Made the Happy House Happy?My Profile

  • Unfortunately, I feel that there are a lot of Indian families out there who don’t share… and when your parents do want you to share, unfortunately it is too late when you are into your 20s and 30s. It’s hard not to share on the blog, but I do try and filter stuff out else it would be like so much gossip. lol. If you ever got published, I’d buy! :)
    Honey What’s Cooking recently posted…Friday’s Favorite Things – 1.18.13My Profile

  • MomWithaDot says:

    Kiran, in my mind, is a strong, strong willed, super intelligent, attractive, witty person, who could be anything she wants – including a writer. Seeing what I am reading here surprised me, but heck! we all have our up days and down days, so no big deal. The Kiran I’ve come to visualize reading this space, bounces back faster than most women can. Stay that way. And as far as hurting family goes….its never enjoyable to hurt their sentiments, but that’s a wise head above your shoulders with a compassionate heart nearby. Never seen that combo go wrong – Chin up, Lady!
    MomWithaDot recently posted…Domestic Diva II – Healthy OptionsMy Profile

  • HAHA! diarrhea of the keyboard. Love that. I’ve had some of the same thoughts this week. I love your writing! Keep it up!!
    Adrienne Bolton recently posted…Is This Just Hammer Pants?My Profile

  • Kim
    Twitter:
    says:

    Keep dreaming, Kiran. There are always bumps in the road, but I hope you continue the journey. Best of luck!
    Kim recently posted…Mr. IndependentMy Profile

  • 1stpeaksteve says:

    Blogging is hard work and I have yet to get to the point where I am motivated enough to slap ads all over my page hawking products. You are right too…blogging is more than just churning out a book and releasing it…it is about interactions. That is where I am also many steps behind. Sometimes, I even make it a goal. Then I wake up, have to go to the bank, do some cleaning, then it is off to work (My job has terrible hours); then another day is gone with no comments and no new posts.

    Well, except for today! Ha ha!

    Well, we all need obstacles to overcome to make us an improved person.

  • ilene
    Twitter:
    says:

    From your mouth to God’s ears. write that book, Kiran, and hopefully someday, I will write mine. I started my blog as a writer who needed to get into the practice of daily writing – and although I like to talk about my yoga and my philosophy and my ups and down with life with my virtual community, I want to write other things, too. Will I follow through? That’s another story. It’s easy for me to tell others to have faith and believe in possibilities and love and all that? But for myself????
    ilene recently posted…Fierce Like MeMy Profile

  • Manisha says:

    You’ve got to do what you’ve got to do and if that’s writing a book, then there is a no choice in the matter. You have to write a book! Imagine what it will look like and what it will be when it’s done. Know that it is done and then take the necessary steps to get there, namely putting the words on the pages. This might sound lame but this is what I kept telling myself during my last big writing project. It works. You rock! I can’t wait to read your book!
    Manisha recently posted…19 – after dinnerMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Thank you, Manisha. I can’t wait to see other cool projects that you’re working on, like the Buddha project. You are one talented photographer and writer :-)

      xo,
      Kiran

  • ani says:

    Kiran, I think you should pursue writing your book. You have shared some stories (and regretted it due to family pressure) but those are the ones holding onto. Write the things you want and set them aside (though I’d wish you would publish more of those).

    My take is that your writing shows you are ready and waiting to talk about the *stuff* and the guilt/pressure or whatever you want to call it from your family shows that they are not. They don’t want to face the pain, the fear, whatever it is and guilt you into not discussing it. I’m not implying at all they come from a place of unkindness. They come from a place of simply laying on the guilt for you not to share your thoughts. In essence if it’s not talked about, it never existed.

    How do I know this…because I come from a family of non-sharers. AND I married into one. It’s stressful–just TALK about it already is what I want to scream. Doesn’t mean relationships will be broken or strained. It means people can honor, understand or clear up past misunderstanding and move Forward!

    Sorry for the essay but PLEASE work on your book and keep blogging your real, honest, humorous and totally relatable words.

    • masalachica says:

      How do I know this…because I come from a family of non-sharers. AND I married into one.

      Oh. Wow. Yes, I know the feeling. It’s hard when you hold it all in and everybody wants to skim over everything and not let you just speak, express, talk it out.

      I lived most of my life that way.

      Much love to you, Ani.

      Thanks for your words. Don’t ever scream. Or, scream if you want. You can do it here and I promise, I’ll listen.
      Kiran

  • dixya
    Twitter:
    says:

    i love your writing- be it a blog post or a book :) Kiran, when it comes to sharing, I think my family is the same, may be it has something to do with Indian Sub continent culture maybe? We are very afraid of putting our emotions upfront and discuss issues.
    dixya recently posted…Lemongrass & Mushroom Udon Noodle Soup {Recipe Redux}My Profile

  • Kristen says:

    What would your heart feel like if you stopped chasing after your dream of writing a novel? That answer should be the energy to keep driving you towards your goal. No one likes to have their heart broken and the last person we should allow to do it, is our own selves.
    Keep at it! When you’re on the shelves, you already have a buyer ready and waiting…me! :-)
    Kristen recently posted…From Fairy Tales to Reality TVMy Profile

  • You MUST read this book: Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, by Martha Beck
    I am reading it right now, about 2/3 through, and I am recommending it to everyone I talk to…magic.
    Here is a little taste:
    “New Age dabblers insist that if they can just focus their mind on a huge house and a career as a movie star, they’ll “manifest” what they want. These methods try to force reality to cooperate with the small imagination of our personalities. It doesn’t work. A wayfinder’s Imagination doesn’t dominate reality. It feels into Oneness, falls in love with “what wants to happen,” and gives itself to the vision created by that love.”

    There is a part of you that knows EXACTLY what you are supposed to be doing to live your best life…go to your happy, quiet place, figure out what that is, and be open to fall in love with whatever it is as it unfolds…and if your heart of hearts tells you that you need to write a book, then start writing, Chica. The rest will fall into place :)

    Sending all good thoughts your way.
    Oh, and BTW, thanks for your suggestion in an earlier comment – you had said I should write a blog post about a comment I left on your “One” essay…so I did :) The link is below. Peace.
    Daily Presents recently posted…Words, Words, WordsMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Hey hon,

      Just wanted to let you know – I bought the book last night. It’s on my Kindle now. Thank you for the suggestion!

      I need some magic in my head, in my thoughts.

      xo,
      Kiran

      • Lisa
        Twitter:
        says:

        My husband thinks some of it is a little “out there,” but I have been meditating and doing yoga for a while, and have had some really neat experiences that have resulted with great ideas that evolve out of my imagination as a result, so I am a believer. I can’t bend a spoon yet, though (you’ll see). But that’s not really on my bucket list anyway ;). Let me know what you think of it. She has written some good memoirs, too. My favorite is “Expecting Adam” about her pregnancy with her son, who has Downs Syndrome. Beautiful story.
        Lisa recently posted…Life’s Necessities: Food, Water, Air and SongMy Profile

  • LisaAR
    Twitter:
    says:

    How can I not love a post that includes George Glass?!?!

    I’m with you. Writer. Ring up another dollar. Dark days. Bingo.

    Working on it all.
    LisaAR recently posted…Once This, Then ThatMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      I think that a lot of people don’t get the George Glass comment. My Au Pair, who is 21, thought I got it from “Bridesmaids.” I was like, oh no, darling! The original George Glass is from the Brady Bunch. Why are they not playing that shit on repeat on TBS anymore. Kids won’t know anything about the 70s and Davey Jones and Meatloaf and “Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA!”

      So sad. Truly.

      xo,
      Kiran

  • debajyoti says:

    was going through the humor blogs on indi but got to read a thought provoking post here! it was an amazing read!!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge
Like Masala Chica
twitter-1_zps8d294a82 photo twitter-1_zps8d294a82-1_zps07cf2b5a.jpg  photo facebook-2_zps2d7bc191.png  photo pinterest_zps0d26b75f.png  photo bloglovin_zpsed864758.png  photo rss_zpsdc78f6f5.png  photo stumbleupon_zps67eca8d7.png  photo email_zpsff6bce92.png  photo google_zps5fdd831f.png
MEET KIRAN
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud. Read More....
Instagram
 
CATEGORIES
October 2014
M T W T F S S
« Sep    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
GRAB THIS!

Add the Masala Chica blog button

FEATURED

I'm scary sometimes over here.

CHILL TO SOME OF MY TUNES, YO
Kiran%20Kairab%20Ferrandino
In the Past…
Posts by Date
October 2014
M T W T F S S
« Sep    
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031