Gone Friend

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Sometimes it’s a sudden break. Other times it’s a more gradual retreat. In some circumstances, you are left with answers. Other times, you are left with nothing – just wounds that don’t heal because you don’t have the answers you need to seal the fissure once and for all.

Losing a friend is a terrible thing. It’s painful and can be an extremely traumatic thing to go through. One day, someone is in your life and the next they are suddenly gone.

I have felt the absence of an old friend of mine since she departed from my life. I don’t know why the pain still lingers for me. Sometimes I wonder if she ever feels the absence of me, and then I wonder to myself why it should matter. She’s chosen to not have me in her life.

There was a time when this friend was “one of my people.” Someone I trusted as extended family. Our families were close and we loved their children and she and her husband loved ours. I like to believe they still love our children, though it makes me sad that it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other that my children will no longer recognize them.

She was often sick, so I would try and sometimes cook meals for them. I wasn’t as good with the kids as she was but I am good in the kitchen and where I knew she could love Shaila, who she often watched for me, I could show my love for their family by cooking.

Perhaps she didn’t like my cooking?

It wouldn’t be so hard to just lose a friend and not have to see them anymore. But because of our overlapping circles of friends and because she is the current darling of the blogging world, I see something about her on my Facebook or Twitter feed a lot. And each time it happens, it feels like the wound opens a little more again.

We were friends for years before blogging became a part of either of our lives. But as her blogging took off exponentially, the distance between us grew. Eventually the friendship she displayed for her online community far exceeded the friendship she still had with me.

She has done some amazing things to empower women and to discuss some really wonderful topics. She also talks about forgiveness and kindness and loving your fellow women. I applaud all of that. What IS hard for me to swallow is trying to understand what I did that was so unforgivable, what I did that makes me unworthy of the kindness, love and acceptance she writes about for her readers.

There is a part of me that recognizes that I shouldn’t just be hurt. I’m maybe just a little mad too. She wasn’t always kind to me on her way up. But I never gave up on our friendship. And when I needed her most and asked her for support during one of my darkest times, she chose not to respond.

A part of me knows that I must move past this hurt and that I may never get the answers that I need. What I do hope is to regain some of my footing from this experience so that it doesn’t feel like a little knife wound to the chest every time someone relays a story about her to me, not realizing that I once knew her and counted her as one of my close friends.

While my situation may be harder to get over because of the constant reminders of her, it’s never easy to release the ties on a friendship. I think of each friendship as a series of Polaroid images, all linked together to encapsulate the fabric of your friendship. Cutting even one of those links out is hard for anyone, much less letting the whole thing go. That fabric that ties those grainy photos together is too fragile.

But sometimes, you just have to. LET IT GO. And you allow the pictures to fall to the ground. Because you have new pictures to take. Other relationships to focus on. Ones borne of mutual respect, love and true friendship.

So I’m letting it go. By writing this, I am making a concerted step to say, “I acknowledge this loss. And I am OK with it.” I am still confused by what I am letting go of on some level – whether I really lost a good friend or whether I misunderstood our friendship the whole time and there was really nothing left to lose. I think these are questions I have to accept I’ll never have answers for.

I hope that at the end of the day, if you have ever been in a situation like the one I am in, that you don’t let the rejection of your friendship define YOU in any way. Nobody deserves that power and in fact, if someone does that to you, they really don’t deserve much of your time and certainly not your respect. That, I have finally come to terms with. And finally, don’t let the shadow of this experience make you blind to the people you DO have in your life who choose to stick around every day because they accept you for who you are.

In this case, my loss was also a gain. I finally realize how lucky I am to have authentic people in my life who DO show up. Not just for their blog readers, but for me. They show up on sunny and stormy days. They show up when I ask for help, even when asking is really hard, and they show up because that’s just what real friends do.

Don’t be afraid of change. You may end up losing something good, but you will probably end up gaining something better.

XO,

48 Responses to Gone Friend

  • Alison
    Twitter:
    says:

    My heart hurts for you, my friend.
    Know that the friends you still have? Love you dearly.
    xoxo
    Alison recently posted…Through The Lens Thursday #11: DarkMy Profile

  • Adrienne
    Twitter:
    says:

    I can relate to every word. I have recently gone through what sounds like the exact same thing. And just like you’ve written, in one of my darkest times, she was not there. I don’t understand what I’ve done either and I’m trying to let go, but it’s easier said than done. Thank you for writing this! My heart goes out to you. Sending prayers for peace! XO
    Adrienne recently posted…This is why I blog.My Profile

  • I think sometimes the ‘fame’ that can come with blogging success leaves some feeling .. what’s the word… unbeatable. It is sad that sometimes on the way up they forget the people who were there before they ever found up. Although I know it is above you to wish karma on someone, let me say I ain’t there yet. Karma has a way of catching up with people. Don’t wish her any ill which you don’t but don’t be surprised. Sometimes people like that feel like where they came from is so far removed from where their life has gone that they are embarrassed. Let it go.. If you cannot be there for the people who loved you when you were nobody then don’t be surprised when they aren’t there with you when that pedestal falls. But you know what. Unlike her you would be there for her, because YOU my dear understand what true friendship really is, although I think it would be a guarded arrival for you, with good reason. Your heart would not let you stand by if and when it all collapsed around her. It usually does. You can’t do people wrong and expect it to never come back out. Sending you hugs and letting you know I still think you are fabulous, even if I don’t get here as often as I should.. you may beat me later hun
    Southern Angel recently posted…I know you want the baby pics..My Profile

    • masalachica says:

      I would be there for her, but I don’t think her pedestal is falling anytime soon, Angel. And I wish her success. I wish I just didn’t have to be swept to the side so glibly as she got where she needed to go. I think you are fabulous too. Always.
      XO

  • AJ Collins says:

    Yes, I’ve been through this, but she’s not a fellow blogger, but rather a next door neighbor… and she texted me to let me know exactly what I had “done” to cause her to let go of the friendship. Don’t let it define you, but please allow yourself to grieve. Often we think “she’s not worth it”, but really if you took the time and energy to build and invest in the friendship, you should take the time to really grieve the loss, it’s a good way to achieve that closure that you need. Hugs friend.
    AJ Collins recently posted…Just Keep Swimmin’My Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Oh AJ, I have grieved so much. There have been so many tears shed and so much anxiety created by this. Because she is blogging royalty, I am inundated wherever I go – online, the bookstore – even TV. Not an easy way to heal.

      Hugs right back to you.
      xo

  • angela says:

    It can be so difficult in this most-public of spheres, when there are issues under the surface that contradict what happens in the online sphere. I’m so sorry you’re left wondering what happened and watching something unfold that causes you pain.

    (Also, anyone that wants to cook for me? That’s always a plus in my friendship book :) )
    angela recently posted…Run or Dye is coming to DetroitMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Oh, Angela if you lived just a little closer, I would cook up a storm for you. Yes, real like personas are often very different from the blogging personas which become revered with deference. It’s really weird.

  • Kate Hood says:

    This was so brave Kiran. You deserve to be able to tell this story. It’s one that many can relate to (raises hand), and it’s one of the loneliest hurts to experience. I imagine this will help others in the same situation feel less alone. I’m proud to call you MY friend. And I will always show up.

    • masalachica says:

      You know how I feel about being able to tell stories Kate and how worried I get about what is or isn’t crossing a line. But this is a really important story for me to tell. And damn, it has hurt. Thank you for being one of my rocks. Steadfast all the way, girlfriend ;-).

  • alexandra says:

    I am so sorry. It hurts. When someone doesn’t acknowledge you, or say hello bac k, or good bye back, and ignores you as if they can’t hear your voice. It hurts online and it hurts in real life. And those people rally people around them. Deep breaths, prayers, remind yourself of what is important and cry those tears… because it does hurt. xo

    • masalachica says:

      “and ignores you as if they can’t hear your voice.”

      Thank you, Alexandra. That’s exactly what it has felt like for the past two years. I have cried those tears. I am hoping that maybe this piece gives me some closure and the tears can stop now.

      XO

  • Leigh Ann
    Twitter:
    says:

    Oh, I know this hurts. I lost touch with a college friend, and when social media grew, I reached out to her, and she pretended she didn’t even know me. I guess time doesn’t heal all wounds.
    Leigh Ann recently posted…confidenceMy Profile

  • Kim says:

    I am sorry, Kiran. Losing a friend is hard enough, but losing a friend with constant reminders and no closure really hurts. I hope this does give you some.
    Kim recently posted…Old School Blogging – Random QuestionsMy Profile

  • Heather M says:

    Kiran – “she” introduced me to your blog several years ago. I’ve missed your posts and am so glad to see you writing again. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. There are no words except to say that it isn’t you. She is probably all consumed with her writing, her publicity, her family, her struggles. It would be nice if she carved out time for her friends but time and distance make it hard. Not making excuses just trying to gain some perspective as I’ve been guilty of it in the past. My heart hurts for your loss and I hope for some peace for you know that you’ve put it out there.

    • masalachica says:

      Thanks for noticing my absence, Heather. I hope my writing doesn’t stop this time :-). I understand that she has things going on but there is more that has happened which I haven’t written about which makes it clear she has blackballed me from her life. Thanks for your kind and reassuring words – I totally understand your intentions, but on this one, I think it’s more than being too busy for me. Peace to you too, sister.

      • Heather M says:

        That makes me very sad for you both. Obviously, not being privy to the details its easy to gloss it over and for that I’m sorry. I can only hope that you find peace and realize that it says far more about her than it does about you.

  • DeVonna says:

    Thank you for sharing this…you’ve helped me. Peace.

  • Jenn says:

    I wish this wouldn’t have happened. I hope writing about it helps to close the wounds, like stitches closing the gash. Sending healing thoughts your way. I love you and am so grateful for our friendship.
    Jenn recently posted…Snow and PuddlesMy Profile

  • Andrea
    Twitter:
    says:

    Losing a friendship over something unknown is so, so hard. Especially when the other person has simply pulled away, leaving you to wonder what happened. I can really feel your hurt here, Kiran. I hope you continue to heal from your loss. xoxo
    Andrea recently posted…Old School Blogging – Random EditionMy Profile

  • Laura
    Twitter:
    says:

    You’ve hit something that so many of us have felt – the loss of a friend. And it is so very raw and painful. I really do hope that you are at the point where you can move on and be stronger, but know that it is okay if and when the wounds re-open. You have friends – friends who love you and are so glad that our online spheres overlap. xo
    Laura recently posted…Halifax: Run the Sold Out Sole Sisters Race!My Profile

    • masalachica says:

      “You have friends – friends who love you and are so glad that our online spheres overlap”

      I know that but hearing you say it sounds so reassuring. Thank YOU.

  • Lady Jennie says:

    A big, big hugs Kiran. I have not felt this loss online, but I have only too hard in real life.

    You are precious to us, your friends.
    Lady Jennie recently posted…So Let’s Talk About BaptismMy Profile

  • jlyn
    Twitter:
    says:

    This has happened to me, and yes it does hurt.

  • Peg says:

    Brave, honest and well-written post. I actually can relate to this. I have this friend who is in the slightly famous realm because her husband used to be a kinda famous soccer player (People magazine most beautriful people popular). We played soccer against each other in high school and college and then together out of college in which we bacame friends. We actually started a soccer camp together with another friend and (stupidly on my part) used her last name as the camp name in order to raise the profile (and they already had an llc so it made things easier). I found working with her pretty difficult as I found myself and other friend doing all the work and when it came to coaching, she’s not that good. Now I was doing all of this while raising two kids and working my regular job so camp was just a fun thing on the side. Going into our third summer she approached me saying I didn’t have the same committment and even brought up times in which I joked about her husband (who’s star dropped big time after allegations of his cheating on his wife). I was dumbfounded. Well, after a long talk with Kieran, I decided our friendship was more important that the camp and I gracefully stepped away. Since I was no longer needed our friendship stopped. Cold turkey. No more Christmas cards. No more invites to their fancy parties. Nothing. Our paths have obviously crossed on the soccer field with the kids, but things are cordial but not the same. She and her husband have since done some pretty unsavory things in the youth soccer world and I’m glad of the break, but still it bothers me that a friendship I took seriously was so expendable. Anyway, sorry for the long response, but wanted you to know I have gone through something similar and think you’re pretty awesome and she’s totally missing out. Sorry it still hurts. Personnally, I don’t like her blog as much since it’s “taken off.” Hang in there! love, Peg

  • jlyn
    Twitter:
    says:

    When this happened to me, we were having a lot of problems with our oldest child. My friend and I had been through all the baby and toddler years, the elementary school years, the middle school years. We each had two kids, and the two older and two younger were in the same age group, and were friends, and played sports together, all kinds of things. Our son was bipolar, although we didn’t know it at the time. When we started having a lot of issues with him, she started drifting away. She started being very late in returning my calls, sometimes I’d call 3 or 4 times over a period of a couple of weeks, and not get a return call. But occasionally, we’d talk again, maybe once every six months or more, and we would have a deep heart to heart. But then it got to be more and more difficult to get in touch with her. If we planned to meet for lunch or something, it never happened. Once she flat stood me up. We ran in the same circle of friends, so I’d see her, especially at games and school events. She’d be so friendly, hug me, and we’d talk. But then if we said “call me” or “meet for lunch,” it didn’t happen. Eventually she quit returning calls altogether. Things were getting worse and worse with our son. Our younger child and her younger child were still friends, although they didn’t visit back and forth. But they were good buddies at school. My friend started running around with a different circle, the ones whose kids did not have any kinds of problems, were doing excellent in school, etc. Actually, my daughter was part of that group, she was doing great. Years passed, the two oldest were in their early 20′s, our youngest had graduated and was off to college. Occasionally, I’d call and leave a message… still no return call. I couldn’t imagine what I had done. We had been very close, had shared many a long talk over all kinds of things. I finally wrote a note and mailed it. She responded by saying “it’s not you, it’s me. I’m going through some things, one day we’ll talk.” Really? Going through some things? Maybe so, but by all appearances, she was very busy and active socially with the in crowd. I was a full time middle school teacher, and I had plenty of other friends, but still it bothered me. And then, my husband got a job in a new town, 3 states away. We were moving across the country, 18 hours from home. I called and left a message. I told her that we were moving, that I’d be gone within two months. I told her I’d love to get together before we left, or just talk. Nothing. Not one word. So, I just painfully closed the door and let it be. Fast forward to two years after our move. Our son suddenly and tragically passed away. He was 27. He left an adorable 4 year old, our precious grandson. It had been very hard for me to leave them when we moved. We returned home for the funeral. So many of his friends, our friends, work friends, school friends, friends of our daughter and of course our families and extended family. Who do you think appeared, trying to be at my side, loudly pushing in to be up close and personal with us, hugging his girlfriend, professing so much grief. I wanted to slap her in the face, but I didn’t. I didn’t have much to say to her, but I was so incensed at the gall. It shocked me so, that it took days, weeks, years for me to process the anger associated with that hypocrisy. But I said not a word. I did not call her and leave a nasty message. I discussed it with my daughter, and my husband, but no one could really figure out why she would be so two faced. Another year later and our daughter was getting married. This friend had started a catering business, and the wedding venue that we chose used part of her services. This was where my daughter dearly wanted to have her wedding, so I couldn’t refuse. I just hoped and prayed I would never see her arranging anything, and I didn’t. It annoyed me that part of the money we were spending on the wedding would profit her, but I let it go. Another year later and she asked to friend me on Facebook. Should I? No, but I was too curious not to. So I did, but I never comment on absolutely one single thing that she posts. I say nothing at all about her reflections, her pictures, her grandkids. Occasionally she has asked a minor question on one of my pictures or something, or has commented. I don’t respond. To this day, I do not get or understand what happened here. Then I heard through the grapevine that she did the same thing to another person in her circle. So, maybe once the bloom is off the rose, she just vanishes. Anyway, I’ve had other friends drift in and out, and normally it’s a very undramatic parting of the ways. Somebody gets a divorce, and you keep in touch for awhile, and then the number changes and you don’t get the new one, or something like that. Still, if you run into each other, it would not be awkward. Sometimes people move, and you find that someone who was very attentive in person, just doesn’t call or email or write. It’s odd, but I’ve found several people to be that way. When we moved so far away, there were a few friends who just didn’t really keep up, but I’d still get a Christmas card or an occasional FB “like” or something. Again, not painful. But for those who show themselves to be someone completely different from who you thought they were, for those you thought would always be a friend to turn into never being a friend… it’s rough. It happened to my own mom, back in the 60′s. A dear, close friend started climbing the social ladder and left my mom and another one or two in the dust. My mother fretted over it for years. I felt her sadness. So I think it can be a common thing. For those of us who tend to be very loyal, and always interested in people we’ve befriended, it’s so hard. But I think there are those who can just write us off, without a thought in the world to how we are or what we are doing. It isn’t nice, but it happens. I don’t hate her, I still remember some things we did fondly. But there will always be a little bit of a hurt. It gets less and less as the years go on. I just have to chalk it up to there being some big differences between the two of us that I didn’t see at the time. And then let it go, just “let go and let God.” I have more peace about it now, but then I’ve been through 3 years of therapy to deal with my son’s death. And yes, during those three years, I discussed this friendship with my therapist. And he helped me to see it more clearly, and to deal with it. I don’t see myself better than her, I just see myself as someone who feels more deeply about all kinds of things, including people, and I know that I tend to get more attached emotionally. I think a lot, I ponder things over and over. Perhaps she doesn’t. It’s been a loss, but I’m pretty much over it. If she called, I wouldn’t hang up. If she showed up at my door, I would invite her in. I might tell her that it was hurtful to me and that it angered me that she wasn’t a friend for years and years, and then behaved as if we’d never quit talking at the funeral, because I’m not sure it even occurred to her that her behavior was crass. But I’d be careful. I wouldn’t share too much. It would be like talking to someone I don’t know well. Because in the end, I guess I never knew her that well.

  • jlyn
    Twitter:
    says:

    I meant to also say that I found your post very helpful and insightful. I think a lot of people have been through this. It helped me to write about it. Your comments were spot on.

    • masalachica says:

      Joyce, your story sounds extremely painful and the fact that this friend was not there for you when you were going through something so hard is mind-boggling. What’s even more incredible is how she came back into your life at your son’s funeral. All of her behavior was bizarre and the fact that she never explained would have confused me too. I am glad that writing what happened helped you – I find the same for me – it can be very healing and help me “organize” my confusion.
      Kiran

  • Jennifer says:

    I’m sorry you lost your friend, but I’m more sorry that you have the constant reminders of her everywhere. That has to be painful. It is hard to forget and move on when something is constantly shoved in your face. Sending heart-healing thoughts your way and lots of love and hugs.
    Jennifer recently posted…Cheesy Hash Browns are the Perfect Compliment to Breakfast for DinnerMy Profile

  • Elaine A.
    Twitter:
    says:

    I am mostly sorry that you have to encounter her everywhere. I do think it would be faster to heal if that were not the case. I know that has to be terribly hard for you. BUT. I am so glad you hear that you are working on moving on and appreciating those who appreciate and love you too, Kiran. xoxo
    Elaine A. recently posted…Ruby Leon Jewelry GiveawayMy Profile

  • Michele
    Twitter:
    says:

    Thank you, Kiran, for putting in words so beautifully and bravely what so many of us have gone through. Losing a friend, whatever the circumstances, is never easy, and being left with so many questions makes it all the more difficult. I hope this post proves as helpful for you as it’s obviously been for so many of your readers!

  • I am going through this right now with a friend that I thought was family. My son refers to her as Auntie. I can’t get any answers to what I did that would make her walk away and not look back. I see her on FB and it breaks my heart!
    Mytwicebakedpotato recently posted…RecoveryMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      The weirdest is when you see them liking other things but they have stopped commenting or liking anything about you or your family. Totally get the heartache!

  • Emily says:

    I’m going through this right now…I am in a very challenging time and while most of my friends have been the support I’ve needed, some have not. It’s true what they say: you know who your real friends are in the dark times. Very true. Now I’m at a point where I need to reevaluate some friendships and decide where to go with them, if anywhere. And yes, you are right – the upside is that I now I know who the authentic people in my life are.
    Emily recently posted…Big Dude Is Learning To Drive…Everyone Take Cover!My Profile

  • Arnebya
    Twitter:
    says:

    I love you, Kiran. You are my friend. I want to always be in your corner and have you in mine. Should things get tense for whatever reason, I want us to communicate and be aware of the other’s feelings, needs, wants. This sounds so sexual now and I’m sorry although I like your boobs. Seriously, it’s not you. Know that. It’s not you. And anything perceived as a slight or cause for defrienship still deserves to be discussed. We are not in control of how others perceive us. We put our best forward and it’s up to them to both acknowledge and accept it. For whatever reason, if that changes, and the friend is unwilling to explain the upheaval, then that’s on that person, as much as it hurts us. And hurt it will, yes, but know that the friends you do have? Friends like me? Friends who care and cherish your friendship? Those friends are here. Still.
    Arnebya recently posted…Saying Thank You for Not Killing Me Might Keep an Otherwise Murderous Person from Murdering. Or, How Not to Die When Visiting a Craigslist SellerMy Profile

  • I am so sorry that you experienced this loss. I am going through it in my own life and it’s so confusing! Just seeing my old friend around town is hurtful. I can’t imagine seeing all the updates on social media.
    What you wrote is beautiful. I’m glad you are finding strength after this situation and that you have authentic, supportive friends in your life.
    Angela Youngblood recently posted…The Day My Phone Died (Again) & A Weekend UpdateMy Profile

  • Mercy says:

    This must be such a difficult thing to go through. My thoughts are with you.
    Mercy recently posted…Memories From This HouseMy Profile

  • Michelle says:

    Wow. I could have written this. Almost verbatim. My former friend is also blogging royalty. We became friends right before she hit the “big time.” She was only supportive of my writing and blog when she thought it was a hobby. The moment I got hired as a columnist for our local paper, she started to fade. Eventually the string of excuses for not being able to get together started and that led to the ceasing of communication. No explanation, nothing. It is so hard. I sometimes still struggle with it. We have a mutual friend and I see her supporting her and sharing her writing and I wonder what I could have done that was so awful….

    I am sorry you have felt the same. XOXO
    Michelle recently posted…A Loss For WordsMy Profile

    • masalachica says:

      Michelle, I doubt you did anything. But I understand that saying that is easier than believing it. I see my person when I turn on the tv, on book lists, everywhere I go – and same thing – she only supports “popular” bloggers now – they have all become her besties. It’s really weird.

      But in writing that post I did mean it when I said it’s about damn time that I just let it go and move on. Yes, I expect it will continue to hurt for some time, but we can get over this. I wish the same for you. Email me if you ever want to vent – I know only too well what you went through.

      XOXO

  • Losing the friendship of another woman is one of the deepest cuts we as women could ever face. The women in our lives are our strength, our comfort, our happy place where we can be exactly who we are. So when that is lost, it feels like a divorce and it is extremely painful. I went through this with my ex-bff 3 years ago. It has stopped hurting, but it still makes me melancholy, and every once in a while I “wish” or go through the “what if” questions. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I understand it. Too bad for her that she has denied herself the company of your awesomeness.

    ~La Dale
    Johanna’s Mama recently posted…Raising a Dark Girl – RevisitedMy Profile

  • David Ryan says:

    You did the right thing. You don’t need people like her.
    David Ryan recently posted…thecalculatr.comMy Profile

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MEET KIRAN
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud. Read More....
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