Did Anybody Ever See “The Ring”?

This is going to sound really mean. So I am going to try to sugar coat this as much as possible and really say this as delicately as I possibly can.

LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING. JUST REMEMBER “SEVEN DAYS.”

Hmmm. Looking for the words.

My five year old daughter is a complete pain in the ass.

I know. I KNOW. That’s really bad to say but that’s the nicest way I can put it. And I am even feeling generous right now.

Don’t get me wrong. She has those moments that all parents talk about. Those “magical” moments, where a parent looks at their child and realizes that there must be a God. I think even Atheists must feel that twinge of doubt when these moments occur. Those moments, where it feels like someone just squeezed your heart and you have to catch your breath because you can’t believe it’s even possible that you brought this amazing, independent, loving, precious, cherubic angel into the world.

I LOVE those moments. They are awesome. Those are the sparkly and glittery moments of parenthood. Where you want to dance around and throw confetti. Dance the Macarena. Or maybe just think in your heart, “How have I been so blessed?”

But those moments usually happen for me when she is sleeping. And she is not talking. And she can’t kick violently. Oh, and she is not yelling. Which is really just talking loudly, I know.

But still.

And Shaila (if you don’t know our family yet, I feel like I need to tell you her name while I have a big whining session about her) is very good at all of those things.

Yesterday, I took her three year old brother, Nico and her to the Doctor. I brought our Kindle Fire with us so that they could play games (yeah, smart thinking, Mom) and of course, they immediately start fighting over it.

Now Shaila is prone to soap star theatrics. She would make a better actress than Susan Lucci and could probably win more Emmys too. Because she instigated the fight and then tried to whack her brother across the head, I decided to put her in the corner of the Doctor’s office in “time out.”

The conversation went something like this:

Me: Shaila, you know the rules. No hitting. You have to sit in time out.

At this point I pick her up and try to seat her on the corner of the Examination Table against the wall. And then of course, Girlfriend kicks me.

Me: Shaila, you do not kick. You will be in time out longer now.

And then the tears come. Buckets.

Shaila: NOBODY LOVES ME!!NOBODY LOVES ME AT ALL!!EVERYONE JUST LOVES NICO!I DON’T LOVE ANYBODY ANYMORE BECAUSE NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME!I AM JUST GOING TO RUN AWAY TO WHERE PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME AND LET ME PLAY TIC TAC TOE ON THE KINDLE BY MYSELF!

I didn’t explain that her search would be futile. But of course I did the reasoning thing. Like, duh. Why bother?

Shaila: NOW LOOK MOMMY.YOU MADE ME CRY.NOW I’M GOING TO BE CRYING WHEN THE DOCTOR COMES!I DIDN’T WANT THE DOCTOR TO SEE ME LIKE THIS. HOW EMBARRASSING!YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME!

Kind of cheeky, huh? Here is Girlfriend, yelling loud enough for the whole office complex to hear her and think I am beating her to a bloody pulp and she’s concerned about her appearance in front of the Doctor.

And so the Doctor comes in and examines them both. Nico was in there for a cold, Shaila for a rash, so the Doctor does not examine Girlfriend with a stethoscope or examine her ears or anything.

After the Doctor walks out, guess whose upset? Yeah. You guys are getting good at this.

Shaila: I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS!I CAN’T NEVEN (yes she says neven), NEVER EVER, NEVEN BELIEVE THIS!!NEVER, NEVEN IN A MILLION, 200 BILLION AND 1 YEARS!!

She crosses her arms over her chest and makes a face similar to Samara from The Ring.

Me: What?

Shaila: SHE DIDN’T EVEN CHECK MY HEART OR MY BREATH OR ANYTHING!!NICO GETS EVERYTHING!!

She starts snarling, (I am pretty sure that’s what I would call it) at her brother when the Nurse came back in to give Shaila a flu shot then. Nico couldn’t get one because of his cold.

Yeah, I am sure you can guess how that went.

The nurse and I had to hold Shaila down as if we were at an Exorcism. There was sweating and crying and tears, oh lawd, so many tears.

Most of them were from me as Girlfriend kept getting me square in the gut and shins a few times.

Now that I am a mother, I look at movies like The Exorcist and wonder if the daughter was really possessed or was just “strong-willed” or “spirited,” words we commonly use to describe our daughter. I am really starting to think “possessed” is really just a synonym for those words.

Look, before anybody goes and starts calling CPS on me, I just want to stress again that I love my daughter. Like, when she is awake, I love her up to the moon. It’s just that when she is sleeping, I love her all the way to Mars or somewhere else in the galaxy.

So in either case, my love is very strong.

And I appreciate what I have every day. Two healthy, hugely independent, highly suspect, insanely manipulative children.

I DO count my blessings every day.

It’s just that, for now, I also am counting my bruises.

Kiran

The content written by the author in no way implies that the behavior of her children has nothing to do with her parenting skills. In fact, she is quite sure she has done irreparable damage already, starting back to when she gave up on her “Yoga for Pregnancy” videos.

29 Responses to Did Anybody Ever See “The Ring”?

  • HAHAHA! Oh goodness, I was laughing hard at this and love the disclaimer at the bottom, by the way. So funny!

  • N says:

    Omg! You know how people write letters to their 16 year old selves. In a decade this could go down as the letter you wrote to your five year old daughter. :)

  • mskphotos says:

    Hi Kiran,
    Been following your blog for a while now and just wanted to say that I loved this post! :) so candid and hilarious!

    Maria

    • Masala Chica says:

      Maria,

      Thanks so much for reading and commenting! I wish I could say any part of it was an exaggeration, but I probably actually held back, just in case she reads this when she is 16, as Nureen possibly suggested ;-)

      xoxo,
      Kiran

  • Sig
    Twitter:
    says:

    Hahahaha oh parenting joy. I have no idea how you do it. I reckon I’d get into a fight with my 5-year-old and we’d BOTH be sent to respective corners while Evs would look on.

    She does sound like a beautiful person though (and OMG – how funny will this be years later?)

  • Alison
    Twitter:
    says:

    So, drama queen theatrics start early, eh? :)

  • Are you sure you’re not raising one of my offspring? Your darling daughter sounds an awful lot like my two darlings. I love this line “And I appreciate what I have every day. Two healthy, hugely independent, highly suspect, insanely manipulative children.” Ditto to all! Great Post!

  • Rebecca says:

    Great post!! This was too funny – I think every mother can relate sometimes!!

  • May says:

    First time here. Kept scrolling to the top of the page to compare the written word with that sweet photo! It would be so very hard to reconcile the two….IF I weren’t a mother myself!

    • Masala Chica says:

      May – thanks for coming over! Yeah she’s a sweetheart in that picture and from time to time, she has her moments.

      Ah – I am crazy about her – no matter what a little nutter she is.
      :)
      Kiran

  • I’ve always referred to my brood as “Children of the Corn.” One recently saw the original movie for the first time and was like, ” I totally get it now.” LOL Boy can I relate! Hope you are recovering! :)

    • Masala Chica says:

      Thanks for getting it, Crystal. Oh my god – that movie scared the heck out of me when I was little. That one kid – Malakai (or something like that) scared the living poop out of me.

      Recovering. Every day!
      Kiran

  • marcyl says:

    I love your funny take on her tantrum. Oh man, I remember those days! Mine are teens now, and they only got better at pushing my buttons, I think so sometimes at least.

    • Masala Chica says:

      I am so not looking forward to the teen years. If they have no respect or fear of me now at 3 or 5, they will be walking all over me by the time the teens come around.

      I need to really get a better hold of my “buttons.”

      Kiran

  • Lani says:

    Hilarious! I thought you were going to refer to how your daughter creeps up on you with wet hair over her face =) You should have video taped this for display at her future wedding!

  • Azara says:

    This will be my daughter in 3 years – no question. She’s been campaigning for that soap star award since she was born 2 years ago. I’m also a big fan of the words “spirited” and “strong-willed”. They sound so much better than “insane” and “tyrannical”. Haha!

    I’ve really been enjoying your posts and have signed up to make sure I don’t miss any!

    • Masala Chica says:

      Hi Azara,

      It’s funny, when we were applying for an Au Pair this year, I put in the description of the kids that they were both “spirited.” Heather (who luckily still chose to join us from Wales) said her mother looked at her and said, “You know that ‘spirited’ is the nice way of saying ‘crazy’ for parents.”

      She was kind of right.

      So glad we found each other :-)

      Kiran

  • Ameena says:

    My 7-year-old is a daily pain in the ass. She really is. But I somehow still admire her spunk!!

    Love the footnote/disclaimer. I am all about those. :)

    Hope you are having a fantastic weekend so far!

    • Masala Chica says:

      You know, I would rather know she has a spark than see her be without it. I just wish she wasn’t so damn “sparky” with me :-)

      I just got the brazilian blowout done on my hair. It still doesn’t look anywhere as pretty as yours :-)

  • Pingback: When You’re Only Lonely

  • Dave says:

    Love the story – you have gift for capturing the essense of parenting. I am convinced of the divine because that is only thing keeping me from putting my children on the street corner with a sign “free to good home”. Personally? I blame my mother. After all, she was the one that said “When you grow up, I hope you have kids just like you”. Maybe I can blame my mother-in-law too?

  • I recently came across your blog, and though I usually have enjoyed your posts, I am featuring this particular post on my Anti-Vaccine Liberals FB page…………

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MEET KIRAN
I'm Kiran, I'm a dreamer. A writer. A singer. A mother. An ugly crier. An Indian-American. Who loves Gandhi. My stories are full of truth that is sometimes hard for me to say out loud. This blog is where I overcome my fears and live (and love) out loud. Read More....
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